check-in. 4.5 hours...

...lots of lines... wrist bands... tags... and unfortunate inefficiencies that really triggered me! LOL. a very receptive staff, open to feedback on how to improve. grateful for that.

getting home to finish packing... up most of the night sick last night. my body knows the change is coming. so coming. upon me. 2.5 hours of sleep. want to be in bed by 6 pm tonight so i can get up early... have to be at the cow palace at 5 am. yikes.

and then the love. such beautiful messages of support from my friends and family. reflections of me that i never knew were how people saw me. Mark... geez... i can't even possibly describe how beautiful your message was... not to diminish all the other messages... simply that his was, in a sense, most shocking. I cried. it was beautiful. thank you for that gift my dear friend.

i feel blessed. challenged. on a vision quest. and, completely uncomfortable in my skin. this too shall pass... right Adam?

Liz Rocks!

Liz and I had such a great conversation today. i know it will be really great to have her as my tent mate. I'm glad to have someone so positive that i can relate to. it felt good to know my nightmare won't come true!

It's all Mom's fault

Mom sent me the coolest email today. i cried when i read it -- spontaneously bursting into tears because in all my 39 years, i have never felt so supported by my Mom as i did in that moment. Her email was so beautiful, including all the things you'd want your mom to say to you, especially the perfect reminders of exactly what i needed to read:

Just a note to wish you well on your AIDS/Lifecycle ride. I’m sure you have trained as hard as you could given your busy schedule. You have undertaken a worthwhile challenge, and, as you always do with a challenge, I am sure you will give it your best.

Now for the expected “mommyisms”: don’t forget your sunscreen, drink plenty of water, rest when you are to tired to go on, and “put on a sweater because I’m cold”. Our love and thoughts will be with you on the ride and we’ll check out the website starting on June 2.

So, the reason I put this stuff up in the blog was so that Mom would have something to read when she got here on June 2. Thanks for reminding me that even though I am choosing to do this on my own with a group of strangers, i really am not alone and my family and friends are with me, if not in person, in thought, as i make this journey.

I love you Mom.

Reconnecting, take II

Boston gave me some great support this morning. I'm glad he's also doing the ride.

And, it was great to see Decker today. more reflection from someone who has known me for 7.5 years, having seen me through some of the most massive of changes i've made in my life... my name change, leaving my corporate job... and, as i told him about my new perspective and my willingness to be picked up and almost a resigned state of thinking i just was barely going to ride, he suggested (so brilliantly), that I allow myself to be surprised. I think for the first time since the 58 mile ride i saw it as possible that i might actually be able to do most of the ride.

ah, hope returns.

reconnecting...

I first found the Burning Man community through my old tribe, the Illuminaughty. I went to a party last night where i got to spend a lot of time with that group of people. it was interesting. i felt at home. it was good to see so many of my friends.. especially Dom who has known me 10 years -- longer than anyone in California. i think about the dozens of people i know and it was interesting to have them reflect me and my transformation. I had some interesting conversations with Geoff and Jim and Amy and Lisa and Jeff (not to mention dress up with Shana, Rikki and the other girls at Shana's place), and some great connection with Shannon. A lot of the conversation had me see how they have seen me grow.

There's nothing like going back to your roots to see where you've been to help you realize how far you've come. It was an extraordinary experience and really reminded me that this journey is perfect, just as it is.

finally picked up the bike

and did a short ride. 3 miles. at least i was on the bike.

Jim and Frankie

Jim is the person who told me about the ride first -- he had to take time off from the Temple to go on the Ride. His partner Frankie's birthday was this weekend. I got to speak to Frankie today and it was really interesting to hear how certain he is i can do the ride. He was so supportive. i love that about him.

I don't want to do this!

resistance. wow. i spent the day crying, avoiding picking up the bike.

at some point though, i relaxed into the experience and changed my perspective. instead of wanting to ride a certain amount, i decided the entire exploration was really about being with and in my body, giving myself 1 full week of time to simply focus on being on an exploration with total strangers and no computer to rely on so i could step into the unknown and face the demons of my inner self.

my new goal is to not have a goal in terms of miles (even though i had said after the 58 miles last week that i would be happy with 250 miles) and just be in my body, be okay with being picked up by the support van, and just listening to the communication from my body while compassionately loving myself through the process. wow. a big shift for me and something i've never done.

that said, i'm clear that endurance training and weight loss, given my current knowledge about nutrition, is not compatible for me. So, i have a new goal. on June 11 when i'm back from the ride i am going to start the Body for Life challenge. my outrageous goal is to lose 40 pounds... my realistic and still incredibly challenging goal is to lose 30 pounds and 15% body fat. i think those numbers can win. i could use the prize money!

Atreyu is away... i hope he'll support me.

Hmmm... i wonder how to check if i did the right thing with the flat?

glad i have a tune up on tuesday and the brakes being installed!

yippie!

3:30 am. can't sleep. watch a movie. still can't sleep. 5:45, i decide to go for a ride. Bay to Breakers is today... No problem, i can ride past the mess of traffic and ride around it.

I'm geared up with my warmest stuff... 53 degrees outside and foggy and overcast. a typical pre-sunrise moment in SF to be sure. Yippie! i get on the bike and whoo hoo! i feel good. i'm so glad i'm riding. maybe i'll do 30 miles today. i can try. it's early. i can still get back in time to go out dancing with Atreyu. I'll take the hard route in the beginning -- doing a few hills, including 2 the map indicates as 10-18%. 5 miles in and i'm feeling good, on the straightaway of the Embarcaderro. I love this part of the ride.

up on the sidewalk... woah! what's going on...? Oh NO! i have a flat! Hmmm... I've never changed a flat before.

digging in my bag under my seat, i pull out the requisite tools... remembering my father fixing the flats in our tires as a child and thinking back to how he did things as best i could -- grateful for my super detailed memory of things -- 45 minutes later, the tube had been replaced. pumping 120 pounds with the little hand pump was simply not happening, so... i went back home. at 9 am, i'm.

well, at least i put in 6+ miles and now i know how to change a flat!

another ride?!? 2 in one day?

Yes! i'm using the bike as a commute vehicle again. To Sioux's place and back, with a little extra. wow! i put in 13 miles again today. that wasn't much work at all. :)

yup...

...still avoiding the bike...

I'm avoiding the bike

I don't want to get on the bike. I need to, i know... i simply don't want to.

yeah! i commuted with my bike

Sadly, the commuting represents my 3rd longest ride to date... but the good news is i put on 13.4 miles doing my things around town. wow! today was the first day i did a night ride -- back from the Temple to my home after helping Kendra light fire for the first time.

The accomplishment is profound though -- i actually achieved my goal of using my bike for commuting. it was hard to get through the blocks, but i did it. i went to meet Sioux, back home, then to the Temple, then to ASF, then back to the Temple and then back home. I had no idea it would be so many miles. the riding was easy. So glad i did that 58 mile ride. it changed my relationship to my bike!

Okay, it's just a numbers game

It's okay. i just need to get on the bike. Today is a 23.4 mile ride through the presidio and golden gate park. it wasn't so bad really... not nearly so bad as the 58 miles i did the other day...

The hardest thing i have ever done, physically, to date

Mikey is leaving today. I'm up early, Mike and Atreyu went out dancing last night so they are both lagging since they came home at 4:30 am and we're supposed to leave for the airport at 6:45. Realizing i was risking missing the ride, i decided to catch the BART from SF to the east bay rather than have Atreyu drop me off on his way back from dropping Mike at the airport. Not the way i wanted to see Mike off... and still, the training had to happen.

getting on the bike, on a cool spring morning at 7:30 am, i rode down to the bart station, excited about the adventure of the day. Definitely nervous. I mean, my longest ride was only 12.2 miles at that point. i barely understood how to shift my gears and i'd dropped my chain just a few days earlier on a hill while riding.

not to worry. i meditated on the train, thinking of Adam C. and all the ways he and his practice have encouraged me in my journey. I thought of the funds people gave me. I thought of the fact that this was the reason i was doing the ride -- for the challenge.

pulling into the pittsburgh/baypoint stop at the end of the line, i got off the train and looked at all the other riders around me. "wow... am i a biker?" clueless and unsure, i found my way to the pack where i was greeted by Dan and his brother in law Paul, two great guys that actually made it easy on me. Dan was the ride leader and his brother-in-law was so friendly and supportive, i immediately felt like i could do it and things would be great.

safety lecture, comments... a quick show of hands about experience and a joking question, "anyone's first training ride?" lots of scoffs from the group and me timidly raising my hand to say, "yeah..." people looking at me funny as if i was joking... me saying, "yeah, i'm serious."

off we go. riding through the streets. it's really different in a pack of 25. we head off... we're zipping along. 17 MPH... 22... OMG,i'm going 27 MPH... holy geez... i'm over 30 MPH. i didn't think that was possible, but with these little rolling hills, suddenly i am in a different place. the pack has definitely separated out. I'm at the end of the front of the pack.

i realize quickly stopping is the enemy and less efficient. i value efficiency -- so i slow down rather than coming to complete halts. uncertain of how long it takes to stop, i slow early and, as a result, find myself losing the lead pack. we're on main roads. What did Dan say about where we were supposed to turn? Hmmm... i have a feeling i just missed the turn. stop, check the cue sheet... yup, i'm a half mile off... turn around, go back, catch up... yeah... nice work. i pull in and everyone's super supportive. Especially Liz. Wow -- another beautiful being on a journey of body discovery. Our stories are similar.

we leave the 18 mile rest stop, i'm feeling good. off we go to the half way point at the dam. up and down... rollers they call them... short little hills that aren't really that steep, but there's lots of them in a row. i realize how important conserving momentum is and shifting. Damn, my thumbs hurt. geez... when will i feel more comfortable on the hills? Make mental note: get brakes on the straight part of the handle bar.

finally make it in to the half way point. lots of conversation, support. talk about electrolytes. What? electrolytes? i just drank a gallon of water, what are you talking about? Oh... salt? sugar? hmmm... okay, if you say so. Wow, i'm so glad they said so. i already clocked 29 miles of riding for the day... my longest ride ever. wow. i feel great. i'm tired. i'm happy. i'm realizing my whole idea about training is absolutely nuts and i need to rethink my strategy. I need more rides and miles than i thought. no problem, i can do it.

we head out, going back to the starbucks. I'm slower than everyone else, but i get there, and still, surprisingly, after 44 miles, feeling pretty good. we start off again. lots of start and stop on the main road. i'm grateful for it. my quads are starting to get super sore. woah. only 48 miles. keep pushing. wow. small hills. only 50 miles? how am i ever going to do this? what am i thinking? 51 miles? stopping. have to breath. my god i didn't know my legs could be this sore from such a simple thing.

5.4 mph riding? what is my problem?

only one rider behind me... except the other ride leader John. I think i can make it... there's only a few more miles to get to the BART station... we take a rest. Dan comes back... saying he'll get his van to pick up the other rider and John. He and I take off. small hill -- i can do it... geez... only 53 miles? I stop at the next hill, realizing i am literally out of energy. oh geez. thanks Liz for those shot blocks (pure carbs)... i had just hit my wall. i walk the bike up the hill. a small hill. i climbed bigger ones that day, but it was really too much for me in that moment. we're only 2 miles from the BART Dan says. he's encouraging me, telling me how good a job i did, reminding me that every thing i ride now is a personal record for me.

renewed will... i get on the bike for the final push... lord, i wonder if i can make it... pumping an average of 6.5 MPH, crying as i do it, i finally make it over the hill... i'm shaking. wow. what did i just do?

Dan gives me carbs... Paul congratulates me... Liz yells to me from the car, let's be tentmates -- yeah! i'm so glad i found her!

I BART home... crying most of the way. text page Mikey, still stuck in DC on his way home... i'm glad he gave me the pep talk he did. i wonder... how am i ever going to do this? absolutely the hardest thing i've ever done physically... so far. I get off the bart, feeling a little better... and get back on the bike to ride it home. so glad that last bit of the miles i put on today are basically downhill. My ass is sore.

so glad to be in Atreyu's arms... holding me as i describe the whole thing, crying, shaking, sunburned, worn, raw... and proud of an unbelievable accomplishment i would never have though i could do 10 years ago... hell, 10 days ago.

Training for the AIDS ride

When I first conceived of doing this ride, apart from the obvious community
service aspects, it was for the following reasons on a personal level:

get in shape, dramatically changing the shape of my body change my relationship to my body get comfortable on a bike so i could use it as a transportation vehicle in SF that was in September when i got back from japan. cross training began. I was pretty dedicated until new year's -- holidays and then the impending launch of PoiGeek as well as the Temple of PoiGeek 2008 Fire Dancing Expo and i found myself not just avoiding the bike, but avoiding training like i had been in the fall. in the fall i had maintained a workout schedule averaging 8 25+ minute aerobic workouts a week for about 12 weeks, then took a dip down to an average of 4-6 a week. come 2008, i was maintaining about 3-6, but as march and then april approached, i simply wasn't working out.

At some point in there, Sean, my business partner, assuaged some of my concerns about the training, suggesting to a naive me that i could train after the launch of the company (April 26) and I'd have a solid month to do it. Well, Atreyu came back from Bali (early March), my birthday happened (march 23), we discussed getting into partnership (end of march/early april), he asked me to hand fast with him and moved in (2nd week of April), Mikey Icon came to stay with us (April 12), we worked on Mikey's DVD for PoiGeek (mid april), did a gig with Mikey that was a complete cluster f%*#k (april 19), prepared for the fire dancing expo and launch (April 26), had a national dance week event (april 27), prepared for the handfasting ceremony which then happened (may 1), went to FireDrums (first weekend of may) and then finally took a day or two off around may 7. Hmmm... with the ride less than a month away, I pretty much freaked out.

Looking over the training rides, i found one that was a category 3 ride (12-15 MPH avg speed) on really easy terrain (level 1 (of 4)) and thought -- this is a good idea. So, there i was, may 8, riding around SF, doing 9 milerides, prepping for the ride on may 10 which was 56 miles.

Decision Making Time

on or about the 9th of may, i realized i had to reach my financial goals by the 16th of may if i didn't want to have to stand in line during orientation. with $770 to raise, the question became, how dedicated to this was I? I realized immediately i was not willing to fund it all out of my own pocket, so i needed to raise money. In just a few short days, friends and family alike poured support into my world and i had reached over $2600 in funds raised by the 16th, exceeding the required $2500 to participate.

Because i raised over $500 in less than 48 hours, i knew going into the weekend i was likely to meet my goals, which gave me hope as i began the 56 mile trek in the east bay.

Nightmare!

I had a horrible dream that i couldn't find a tent mate... then i got stuck with a stranger. the stranger had an air mattress that they used, full queen size thing. it filled most of the tent. so there i was in the tent squished on my side between the air mattress and the side of the tent... then i woke up in a cold sweat. geez... is this going to be my fate? I need to find a tent mate...

I'm doing the AIDS Lifecycle Ride

when i first conceived of doing this ride, apart from the obvious community service aspects, it was for the following reasons on a personal level:

* get in shape, dramatically changing the shape of my body
* change my relationship to my body
* get comfortable on a bike so i could use it as a transportation vehicle in SF

that was in September when i got back from japan. cross training began. i was pretty dedicated until new year's -- holidays and then the impending launch of PoiGeek as well as the Temple of PoiGeek 2008 Fire Dancing Expo and i found myself not just avoiding the bike, but avoiding training like i had been in the fall. in the fall i had maintained a workout schedule averaging 8 25+ minute aerobic workouts a week for about 12 weeks, then took a dip down to an average of 4-6 a week. come 2008, i was maintaining about 3-6, but as march and then april approached, i simply wasn't working out.

At some point in there, Sean, my business partner, assuaged some of my concerns about the training, suggesting to a naive me that i could train after the launch of the company (April 26) and I'd have a solid month to do it. Well, Atreyu came back from Bali (early March), my birthday happened (march 23), we discussed getting into partnership (end of march/early april), he asked me to hand fast with him and moved in (2nd week of April), Mikey Icon came to stay with us (April 12), we worked on Mikey's DVD for PoiGeek (mid april), did a gig with Mikey that was a complete cluster f%*#k (april 19), prepared for the fire dancing expo and launch (April 26), had a national dance week event (april 27), prepared for the handfasting ceremony which then happened (may 1), went to FireDrums (first weekend of may) and then finally took a day or two off around may 7. Hmmm... with the ride less than a month away, I pretty much freaked out.

Looking over the training rides, i found one that was a category 3 ride (12-15 MPH avg speed) on really easy terrain (level 1 (of 4)) and thought -- this is a good idea. So, there i was, may 8, riding around SF, doing 9 mile rides, prepping for the ride on may 10 which was 56 miles.

Cosmic Lovers enjoying the bliss...

I got handfasted on Thursday. Wow! What an amazing experience. My amazing partner, Atreyu, and I wrote a 20 page covenant outlining what we are creating for ourselves and with each other. These are pictures from Fire Drums taken by a wonderfully sensitive photographer and flow artist there.

...and more bliss at Fire Drums