Monday, June 30, 2008

death, fear and life

i sent an email to a friend of mine today who was feeling somewhat
challenged by confronting death through supporting a friend who
recently transitioned due to breast cancer. it reminded me of this
experience i had a few weeks ago on the AIDS ride...

when i was on the AIDS ride i had this moment of really letting go
of my life and surrendering into the inevitability of my eventual
death. If it is my time to go, it is my time to go. I was riding
on 101 south and really scared i would get hit by an 18 wheeler or
something. Intense. i tell you. so as i was riding along, i
noticed my entire body was tightened and it really just hurt. I
think i was just so afraid i contracted in my entire being. when i
noticed how tense i was, i started telling myself to relax... and
then i imagined my own death. and then in fully embracing that
possibility, i was able to let go of my life even while fully
embracing it. It was simply about confronting the fear, breathing
into it, and allowing the truth of that possibility to really pass
into me, live, and pass out of me. my life is, best as i
understand it, in this body, finite. the more i embrace that
reality, the more i can be in right now, right here... because in
any moment i can die. it just go so real while riding the bike on
the side of the highway because of the naked vulnerability of a
lone bicyclist riding for 20 miles beside big cars and trucks...