Tribe -> Community -> Tribe

Looking back in time, humans organized themselves toward a common purpose of
survival using a hierarchical model sometimes known as tribes. There was a
leader (a chief for example), a healer, a warrior, a cook -- every one had
their place.

Because of the technological stage of development, the tribe had no
opportunity to move toward a vision that was beyond survival. As technology
advance, survival became easier and time more plentiful, we evolved toward
more global thinking. Thus became community as an evolution because the
focal point was in accomplishing something "for the greater good and
furthering of human kind or the planet" or some other lofty ideal.

Community is (or at least to me has seemed) bound by and pulled together to
work collectively toward a single vision which generally does not honor
individual leadership, but rather consensus thinking that mostly muddles the
ability of the group to actually get anything accomplished because it takes
so long to arrive at consensus.

I say we're moving toward -- and the particular tribe on this list
represents it to me -- a resurgence of the idea of hierarchy within a tribe.
So many of us are visionaries and leaders building communities and tribes of
our own yet coming together as a tribe, living the common vision of
supporting each other as individuals in the creation of our own unique
purpose.

So we have moved from needing hierarchy to make things happen in order to
survive (pre-rational tribe) to choosing to come together in service of a
group vision (rational community) to needing reintegrated leadership while
working for a greater good (trans-rational tribe).

It seems like the trans-rational tribe is coming together - each individual
in service of each other being in service of their own individual goals,
within which leadership is rewarded because in each individual accomplishing
their purpose/vision, they are able to help other's learn by bringing their
learning's back to the tribe for other's to integrate; whereas the rational
community comes together in service of a group vision where individuals
often have to acquiesce their goals to remain in service of the group.

The trans-rational tribes transcends and includes.

Permission

The other day I found myself triggered by a friend's choice to, from my perspective, fart their ideas into my space. I put it that way because it is both humorous and, from where I sit, accurate. Farts often occur without consciousness -- simply happening, kind of like when we know something or think we know something about what is going on and we just blurt it out.

From my perspective, my friend did not have permission to coach me. What that means to me is that before someone offers advice, they would ask if the listener (in this case, me) wants to hear it. There are many reasons for that, including (and not limited to):

the person may not be looking for your opinion or ideas

the person may simply be venting

the person may just be sharing their experience and only want to share without receiving in that moment

the person may be closed, generally speaking

the person may be closed, specifically to the person offering the coaching

the person may simply not want to switch context (ie, sharing/speaking/opening/venting/whatever to listening/receiving)

so the person offering said "advice/coaching" isn't impressing their
values on the other individual. (I take this very seriously, not just with respect to what I say, but also with what is said to me.)

This idea of permission is why I use the phrase, "Can I offer something?" so frequently because I do not want to be coaching someone who is either not prepared for it, not interested in it and/or in some way not open to receiving that which I have to offer.

I understand that in friendships there is a place where we offer ourselves to each other that, in some ways, seems like it should be apart from the idea of asking permission. That may be so for other people and my world generally speaking does not operate that way.

When I'm confused about this sort of thing with other people, I ask the person speaking what they are looking for from me -- to hold space, to offer coaching, to share my own experience, and/or whatever. These days, I'd like to think I don't really offer coaching without permission (though please call me on it if I do) except in the domain of where I am the explicit current "coach" (as in class and as it relates to poi, and at that, only sometimes since I am so sensitive to not wanting to trample on people's own development at their own pace).

Perhaps it is a subtle distinction that I've picked up working with and being friends with coaches in transformational communities for many years on end. What I know is I do not feel honored when someone puts things in my space I'm not interested in having there. For me, it occurs like clutter that I have to move around/through/over/avoid.

20070907: Everybody needs a little Now moment

The night Audree, Sean and I went out to film in July required us to synch up our iPods. We didn't want to drag a boom box around with all the fire gear as well as the camera gear, so instead, we shared the same playlist on our iPods so we could have some shared reality as I was spinning without disrupting the rest of the world.

Of course, then you have to sync up the ipods. Well, we started counting off -- " 3 - 2 - 1 - Now!" and on "Now" everyone would start the track at the beginning.

I'm on Shinkansen train with Sean -- the cool bullet train that runs from Kyoto to Tokyo (same letters, spelled differently. Hmm...) writing the blog entries so I can post them next time I get to an internet connection and I started bouncing around in my seat to one of our favorite tracks, "The Nebbish Route" by Shpongle off Nothing Last... But Nothing is Lost.

Fortunately, Sean had my set list on his iPhone because we filmed yesterday so, well, we got to have a bit of Now together.

20070906: Footage From Arashiyama

Since we didn't head north into the path of the typhoon, we decided we'd go visit Arashiyama, Kyoto again and film some poi dancing. Check out this silk flag poi dancing set by GlitterGirl (and order your own set of flags if you're so inspired!)

20070905: Rest. Recovery. Preparation. Forewarning.

Sean arrived. More sushi. Freshly imported wine with Spencer. Making plans. Oh, and finding out about a Typhoon. A typhoon? What? Didn't I get enough rain on Monday night? (see "warm summer rain" entry)

Hmmm... What to do. The typhoon is heading directly for the area where the festival is. Maybe we should wait a day and go up on Friday instead...

20070905: Perfection

A friend just got back from her 10 day sit and was finding herself in a place of disappointment over how she hasn't been sitting as much and how it was harder than the first. I found myself noticing the perfection of the experience, and sent this her way:

How perfect your experience it. It is the very example of how you can choose equanimity in each moment. It is the perfect example of it all, actually. Relax into it sister. In a sense, you have both already failed and already succeeded. Now that you have done both, you can just sit back and witness the experience... Even now... With ease and gratitude.

Guy said something to me in a session which is perfect: this is the healing — right not. The crying? That was the healing! The struggle? That also is the healing! You returning to the practice is the practice... Is the healing.

Also, I remind you about the through time nature of your reality and life. You are looking for some permanent shift from a single 10 days. And that comes in very small pieces. It is a gradual thing so as long as you focus on the gradual nature of it, you can’t see the bigger picture. Look back 1 year, 2, 5... See how much more rich your life, experience, skills and mastery are. Even now I’m sure you’re offering yourself more grace, more compassion... More acceptance...

:)

20070904: Transformation at Shrines

After escaping the love hotel and accompanying Spencer on his research adventure at the travel agent, we headed toward Kyoto, stopping to watch Transformers in English with Japanese subtitles. It was interesting to see the movie again (the third time, actually) in a foreign country.


There is a line in the movie, which if you've seen a preview you've already seen, about the autobots being really advanced robots -- Japanese models. No laughter in the Japanese theatre. In the US, having seen it twice, I can say there was a lot more laughter -- both in that part of the movie as well as other spots. Alas, not here.


Seating was interesting -- assigned seats and you get to pick them with the counter agent when you buy your ticket. Wow.

After leaving and heading back to Kyoto, Spencer went off to work and I found my way to two shrines. One of them was fairly large where I watched a woman make the rounds to the little stops in the courtyard. I thought it would be interesting to model how she did the ritual, so I did, to a degree. Mom asked me to light incense at a shrine -- partly joking I'm sure -- to
help them sell their house in New York so they can move to their new home. So I did.

Meanwhile, the whole while, I was listening to Seal's song, "Love's Divine" inspiring various thoughts about my own transformation, self perception, molting, emersion... My own divinity.

I replayed the song and danced in the shrine, offering myself to the divine at the temple, realizing that if I'm not here on this planet to dance, I'm not actually sure what I am here for.

I cried, released, expressed, emoted, and in the process, found myself experiencing a wonderful new connection to mySelf. Returning to Spencer's and reconnecting with him later -- how grateful am I he is my teacher as well (a Reverend) -- I noticed how I felt myself coming into balance in the shrine, allowing myself to release the stresses and tensions of months of
pressure, mishap and challenge around PoiGeek and the Temple, around not taking as much care of my body as I will moving forward, about the imbalance of the speed of my mind and slowness of my body... About how inspired I was to get my bicycle fixed now that I live and work in easy biking distance from each other.

Ah, the gift of Being in the Muck of things.

20070904: Locked into the love hotel

As cool as the love hotel is, the most limiting aspect of it is the fact that once you check in, you can't leave the room unless you are checking out. This meant that when Spencer had to get up and go for class, I had to go with him... To late to figure that out, he missed class, we slept in, and then were late getting out of the room.

Of course, the Love Hotel is designed for you to have a "rest" -- a 30 minute use of the space -- or a "stay." We had overstayed our stay, so we had to pay for a rest on top of that. :(

Still worth it though, for 15,600 Yen for the room and only 1,320 more Yen for the rest.

20070904: The Love Shack is a little old place...

In Japan, I've been told the children live with their parents until they marry. This could mean that at 35 you'd still be shacked up with Mom and Pop. Let's say you have a partner and you want some private alone time. What do you do then?

Love Hotels. How cool. They are themed hotels that only allow male/female couples -- not two men, not two women and not you alone. Have a fantasy about Sailor Moon? Hello Kitty? I've heard they have love hotels for just this thing.

In fitting with our theme of wetness for the night (see the entry on "Warm Summer Rain"), we went to the Water Hotel, a really beautiful love hotel in Osaka.

First, we go into the hotel and there is no one there to check us in. You go to a kiosk and select a room, get a receipt and walk to the room. Then you pay - cash -- at the door.


Once inside this lovely place, there was a console with about 20 buttons on it to control various lighting settings, the karaoke machine, television, AC and music. Next to the bed is what can only be considered the Mini-bar of sex toys. Yup, dildos, vibrators, lube and various accoutrements one might use for sexual play. Even free condoms on the nightstand that, in English, said "Family Planning."

Now the theme of our little love shack was water. And we had one of the upper mid-tier priced rooms, so it was pretty nice. Our bathroom? Equipped with a Jacuzzi, steam room, sitting bench and foot bath as well as a massage area and showers.

In the bathroom, a full 6 step set of instructions, lotions, potions and assorted smelly things for a fragrant refreshing bath. After a long day and night and running about, a steam sauna Jacuzzi was in order for me. MMmmmm.

20070904: Clubbing

After braving the rain, we decided to go to a club. We arrived at the Grand Café (?) which is more like a large bar lounge with a small dance area than a club. The 500 Yen cover charge included a drink ticket each, which, really, is quite a deal considering you could easily pay that alone for the drink.

I stuck to water and let Spencer grab my ticket with his while we hung out. Shortly after arriving, a friendly young Asian guy introduced himself to us. He was part of the group of people which comprised about 60% of the people at the club.

Feeling a little cold from the air conditioning on my wet cloths and hearing the music in the other room, I decided I wanted to dance. We headed into the room with the dance floor where I pushed a few of the tables which occupied the dance floor out of my way and I busted out my poi. Other than the security guard, guy behind the food bar and the dj's, we were about the only ones in there.

Squish, squish, squish went my shoes as I slipped on the floor, oggs lit up, and began to shake it to the music. This drew some attention and the group of kids joined us from the lounge on the dance floor.

In no time, I found myself happily dancing with this beautiful asian woman and I realized that dancing knows no language barrier and speaks to people in a universal way that allowed us an hour of dancing filled with lots of smiles and good fun, seemingly for us both.

As we're on the dance floor, suddenly a spray of white stuff comes down -- the illusion of snow I think was the intention. Except, well, I think it was soap. So there I was with socks that were soaked in sneakers that sloshed as I moved dancing on a nice smooth dance floor which was covered in wet soapy water.

Maybe it's their way of keeping the floors cleaner...

September 4: Multiculturalism in the Book store

i have been saying su me ma sen -- or trying to.
it helps.
i had a cool multicultural experience with that.
it means excuse me/pardon me for putting you out -- that sort of thing.
i was in the bookstore yesterday and this girl and i almost bumped into each other.


at the exact same time, she said, "I'm sorry" and i said, "Su me mi sen" -- it was a cool moment

20070903: Warm Summer Rain

Last month when Hunter and I had a gig out in Discovery Bay (see entry for "Fire Dancers Stuck in the fire") and were enjoying the warm summer evening air, we got to talking with Audree (who was our safety for the night) about how our experience on the east coast was so different weather wise. In San Francisco, you rarely experience a warm summer night because the warm air from the Central Valley in the day time sucks the cool air in off the Pacific Ocean, creating the fog which leads to the ever famous expression about "The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco" or something about that.

At the time, I said I missed standing in warm summer rains and enjoying being able to get wet and not be cold and feel refreshed. Well... I feel complete with that at this point!

As Spencer and I darted off to catch the train and try to meet his friend (ag! We were late!) at OCAT in Osaka, it started to drizzel. Riding the bikes down the back streets on the way to the urban parts of Kyoto so we could catch the train to Umeda, I found myself smiling and enjoying the rain as it cooled me off. The night was hot an dmuggy and the rain was welcome,
especially in the breeze of the bike.

Arriving in Osaka, it was still drizzling. No problem... It felt good.

Soon enough, however, we were experiencing a full on rain. I'm not talking about one of those weak-willed-can't-assert itself sort of San Francisco rains. I'm talking the kind of rain that got your shoes so wet your feet were soaked and the shoes made sloshing sounds as you walked. So wet, I thought, "Wow, I'd be concerned this was a hurricane or something if it were even a little windy." So wet, as I walked behind Spencer, I noticed his jeans were wet almost all the way up to his knees.

I've got my fill of warm summer rains, for now. ;)

20070903: Having a (Silver) Ball

OCAT -- Osaka City Air Terminal -- is a Penn Station sort of place. All manner of public transit converge there and
there's shops and places to grab food along the way.

Outside is a pretty awesome and beautiful metal sculpture. It's a few arches, sort of symmetrically laid out that rise over a story high representing the path of a bouncing ball with a silver ball on the ground in between them. The silver ball is probably over 3 feet high.

We were going to meet Emily here but due to my slowness, we were late - sorry Emily!!! :( But, when we got there a group of maybe 25 urban dancers -- break dancing, pop and lock and vogue style -- the sort of thing you might see in "Step Up" or possibly "Rize" -- were hanging out practicing. Wow. What a site.

I saw some amazing artistry there, including one guy who did a 360 turn (in the air) starting from his hands, pushed up into the air (fully leaving the ground) from one hand, turning in the air and landing on the other hand to complete the turn. Think
Mitch Gaylord meeting the best break beat dancer you've seen -- gymnastic dance. AWESOME!

Thanks to Spencer, I found myself super inspired and, after seeing a rather large roach on the ground and thinking, "hmm, wonder how many thousands are under ground..." I got to work and did a dance of my own. Ah, how I love playing with my 2 balls and string. . .

20070903: Arashiyama

One of the reasons Spencer choose to move to Kyoto when he went to Japan was for the way in which that city represents the history of Japan. Another reason is the natural splendor of the area, represented with awes inspiring beauty in Arashiyama. Bike riding for the first time in at least 2 years (I don't seem to do it much except at Burning Man), we trekked out to the little town pretty late in the afternoon, getting there when the shops were closing.

Not to worry, we arrived at the Togetsukyo Bridge and ... Wow. Breathtaking. The beauty of the small waterfall, the serenity, the sense of the amazing ancient feeling of it. The greenery. Set at the base of a large mountain range in a valley, I found myself overjoyed to witness the beauty of it... To the point of tears.

The whole area was amazing, well kept and quite beautiful. Even the train station was done up with an amazing entry way, lovely water tanks and bamboo everywhere. It was a little haven inside, beautiful as it was, and simply a train station!

We walked along the water to discover a festival the night before we'd seen an ad for. Of course, festival maybe is a bit of an overstatement. It seemed a bit more like a ritual of some sort. There were boats on the water with 2 men, a woman and a small group of what appeared to be ducks or geese. The ducks were on some sort of leash in front of the boat and over the ducks were these burning baskets of wood... Embers shooting out toward the ducks.

On the water were 4 boats full of people watching the "event." Later, as the boats with the fire pots pulled away, I saw the ducks sitting on the boat near the woman. Fascinating experience, really.

And one of my favorite things to do this afternoon was shoot a photo of one of Audree's bags made by dutchy with the tag on and everything. This photo of spencer and this beautiful and spacious Rose Clutch combination wallet and clutch -- big enough even to fit my phone as well as money, oversized business cards, pen, id and more receipts than one person should be carrying -- was taken out side the really beautiful train station.

20070903: Sushi

Oh my did we have a good lunch. For less than $20, we ate copious amounts of really good sushi for lunch. This was my first really good meal since I arrived and I was grateful to be enjoying it. Where did the food come from? Yup, the grocery store. Coo, eh?

20070902: Kyoto by night

Spencer's such an excellent tour guide! He gives amazing instructions, clear information and along with it, cultural tidbits to make the stay so pleasant you'd think you had your own personal tour guide. Oh, wait, he was that. ;)

He took me on the street car into Saiin where we went to a restaurant that had what seemed a lot like Japanese tapas for dinner. Interesting experience. You take off your shoes -- it's cleaner they think (or at least that's what I've gathered) and then if you want to go to the bathroom you put on these slippers that other people have used before you. How is that more sanitary?

Anyway, after dinner, we took the subway into the central part of Kyotot and went to a main strip near some night clubs. I saw this guy who had the coolest haircut I have seen in a long time. He had some asymmetric carvings in the hair in the right and back of his head. At first when I commented to him, he sort of just gave me this blasé look like an American might go, "been there done that." Then he did a double take and he and all his friends looks at me and said, "Coo" -- dropped "L" and all -- while they gave me the thumbs up.

We walked down the street and found a bridge over water where we shared a clove cigarette. And then I just had to bust out and do a dance. Lighting up the oggs drew a small crowd of mostly young (20 ish?) men. They stopped and chatted with Spencer while I danced. He started telling them I was his Sensei and that I was famous, so I got asked for my autograph by one of them who took a great picture of me, a copy of which I wish I could have gotten. Fun, silly times, to be sure.

We headed back, seeing the guy with the carved hair again -- this time he was all smiles and stares, thumbs up and more "Coo" as we walked by.

In keeping with the rest of the night, we barely made the last train, then barely made the last street car on the way home -- here I was on vacation being rushed around. But I was grateful we got on the last train because that would have been a long walk home and I had not gotten nearly enough sleep for that!

20070901: I'm in the State of Confusion

I can't quite recall when the last time I got sleep was. I think it was Wednesday night for about 5 hours, waking at 11 am on Thursday. Sean and I were up all night that night and then I got on the plane on Friday the 31st.
At that point, I had a nap, the deepest sleep I'd had in days, for about 90 minutes. Then my neck hurt and I couldn't sleep.

When I landed in Japan is was almost 4 pm the next day, even though it was only about 11 hours later. Passing the international date line -- what a trip! So there I was, up for the better part of 31 hours landing in Japan with more luggage than one person should have. Of course, 1/3 of my rolling cart was poi gear, and most of the rest was costumes -- I mean, how could I go to Japan and not be decked out GlitterGirl style? :)

Slowly making my way through the airport, I found my way to meet up with my good friend, teacher, student and an amazing being in his own right, Spencer, who lives in Japan teaching English while he's studying Aikido. Very East meets West sort of being who inspires me in his journey of self evolution.

I realized though, after my first poi dance at Uzumasa station: I had left the state of California and found myself in the state of confusion... Nearly half way around the world.

20070831: Fly like an Eagle...

On the plane, I got up, stretched, and feeling really tight, had these two women commenting to me about how amazing the stretch was -- I figure they weren't from California and didn't do yoga. ;)

Feeling like I was on a vision quest on the plane and consciously going into this journey to Japan with the idea that I'd shed the weights of my past -- habits, self images, self deceptions, mis conceptions, lack of faith, lack of self belief -- I know I was exuding something different. This lovely flight attendant commented to me about it saying there was something very electric about me. At another time, I might have thought it was just my hair or fabulous new coat. But this time I knew it was a difference in the way I was Being, carrying myself and owning what I have done in this world and even more, what I am capable of still accomplishing.

August 31, 2007: Unveiling the site!

While it is still under construction, we can finally say the PoiGeek web site is live... mostly. yeah! the final frontier before leaving for Japan later today. :)

August 27: PoiGeek Announces Plans

PoiGeek announced on August 27, 2007 their plan to launch the alpha release of PoiGeek.com in early October, 2007. PoiGeek is the first poi education web site offering structured lessons available in 4 digital formats: Portable device – perfect for your iPod, web streaming, high definition and even DVD options. The alpha release of the site will feature 4 “courses” – a collection of 10 interrelated lessons – created by PoiGeek co-founder and Temple of Poi founder, Isa GlitterGirl Isaacs.

“We’ll present these 4 modules to whet people’s appetite and give them a taste of what is to come,” said Isa’s partner, Sean Gies. Sean partnered with Isa after investing time in his own poi practice while working his day job at Apple working on software for the newly released iPhone product.

PoiGeek plans to launch it’s alpha version with a sparse 4 modules totaling only 40 moves in October. By the January beta launch the site will have grown to 10 modules with an anticipated 15+ modules by their official unveiling in the first quarter of 2008. In addition, PoiGeek is inviting instructors world wide to also host their courses on the site.

“We’re creating a forum for education to flow from any one to anywhere with a consistent commitment to quality of both presentation and content. At the same time, we’re encouraging students to invest in their education at easily affordable tuition rates,” said Isa, referring to PoiGeek’s pricing structure where lessons are available for as little as $1 each.

Teaser Video for Poi Course: The Snail Turn Around

And if you want a shorter version, here you go! :)

Trailer Video for Poi Course: The Snail Turn Around

Check out this trailer for the Snail Course, available this fall on PoiGeek.

August 23, 2007: Our first PoiGeek video

Sean and I have been busting ass to get a demo for the upcoming Japan trip. It's been challenging -- one unexpected challenge after another. We finally have our first of many videos to come available on YouTube as a promo piece which will be included in the promo materials for the JFF folks. Exciting!!!! :)

August 17: 4 Things You Can Not Recover

August 16: the thick of things...

It sucks to be in the muck of it all sometimes. Except that the real gifts in life seem to come from stepping through that space and finding a deeper, richer, better part of ourselves in the process.

August 15, 2007: human accomplishment...

Most human accomplishment is not the result of decisive actions or moments of truth. No, persistence -- even, simple-minded persistence -- is the source of the best of what we do, of real change.
~ Paul Chadwick ~

August 14, 2007: Rumi

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
- Rumi

August 6, 2007: You done good, Ma!

You done good Ma. I’m changing the world, if only on a “small” scale right now (over 1030 students so far and growing). I have done the thing you and dad advised against — when I was young I wanted to be both an engineer and a teacher and unintentionally, I have become both. I combined that with self expression, artistry and meditation as well as entrepreneurialship and voila — here I am 5 years later, world renown, running the premier poi fire/flow dancing school that has been around the longest and, to the best of my knowledge, the only full time one around in the world today.

You undeniably made me who I am — in all the ways you encouraged and discouraged me. All the ways I fought you taught me; all the ways I listened to you taught me as well.

I feel grateful that you’re my Mother. You’re an amazing woman who is a ground breaking individual in her own right. I hope you know that is how I hold you in the world. You often inspire me.

I hope when you think of me you’re not too embarrassed by how weird/unusual I am. When I tell you that it is a gift in more people’s lives than you could count, I mean it. I have countless stories of how the mindset of and the school has changed people’s lives (have you ever read the Flowology Mindset?). One of my favorites is about how one of my students walked into her synchronized swim team meeting and one of her teammates who didn’t know about the Temple from her found the mindset on line and printed it out, asking the coach of the team to use it as a guideline for how they all played together. How cool is that to be putting it out on the internet and have some random person ask another person to use it as the official team philosophy?

I guess my point in all of this is that as I’ve written my will, I’ve reflected on all the times where we have not always seen eye to eye. Despite it all and in many ways because of it, I am who I am and where I am. Your clear and undeniable contribution to me being who I am spreads through the world as my work avails itself to more and more clients each day.

So I thank you for the gift it has been for me both in my own life and in the way I get to share it with other’s in their lives.

I imagine in the great ether of the universe we (the soul) may choose the parents whose lives we come into. I wonder why I choose (if in fact that happened) you and Dad sometimes — I often feel like my relationship with the family makes no sense.

But when I look at it through the eyes of the clarity of my work ethic, commitment to excellence, strength of will, leadership capabilities, brilliant mind, cognitive development, reasoning skills and the profound sense that it doesn’t matter what stands in my way I will make it happen, I’m clear much of that in me is a result of who and how you and Dad have been in my life.

So thanks. Which seems like such a small thing to say in response to all you’ve given to me. But sometimes appreciation, even this small, means something. And I wanted you to have that since hey, one never knows when the end will come.

Love love love!
The daughter (formerly known as) Lisa. :)

August 6: What is love?

I find this line of inquiry interesting. In my own experience for my world of “romance,” I question what the difference is between friends who have sex and romance. Romance seems like a consciously (at least where I'm coming from today) created game people play with each other in an effort to woo the other person... Wooing them for what is where the game lies I think. Don’t we do that with friends though, just to a lesser degree?

For me intimate relating comes down to love. Interestingly enough, I generally walk through the world and feel love for everyone. I modeled this out when I was 15 or so, though there are some updates as I write it now. I’ve thought of love as degrees of experience of love — from least to most:

hate (loving the life in a way such that one is closed to them, often from fear, disappointment, judgment, disapproval, disdain for their actions)

universal love (love of life and all things that are alive)

acquaintance love (those you’ve met and have more connection with than someone you haven’t)

familial/obligatory love (“those you should love”) which is not always to say that they are loved at that level — can be loved at a higher or lower level

student/teacher love – love of the dynamic that creates learning between you and another as you learn (as both student and teacher) and grow from the experience

friendship love — this has infinite gradients, really. I described it then as this thing where if you have a set of criteria in X domains (ways you value a person showing up be it in common values, hobbies, skills, ways of being, approach to the world and whatever else), a friend is someone who meets Y percent overall of your criteria (back then for me it was 80%); good friend meets Y+some %; best friend meets good friend + some %; etc.

kindred spirit love – is a new one for me over recent years and is what I think at 15 I felt was romantic love, so i’m replacing that spot in the model with a different name for it. For me, it is this place where we meet people who reflect us in ways such that we feel met at a level that almost feels “destined” -- and in a sense, touches into the unknown and indescribable sense of the mystery of love. I have experienced this in the context of “soul contracts” with another — a sense that our souls met in the great Kosmic nothingness and we made a contract to partner in these bodies in this life on this earth. This love, I have noticed, has us make non-rational choices because the draw of the “soul contract” trumps rationality which, for me, explains the completely non-rational aspects of looking in someone’s eyes and just falling into love with them. I think when this happens, there is a soul contract there.

At the time, I thought of “in love with” as the pinnacle of it all. In the last 5-7 years I evolved that thinking into the endless opening to the person, again and again, for who they are, as they are. Even if you “fall out of love,” which you can can do when you are closing, you can also “fall back in love with them” and this can vary moment to moment throughout the day/week/month/year/lifetime of the relationship. The depth of “in love” is about ones willingness to surrender into the truth of the being and i’ve noticed that even if I thought I was “as in love with someone as I could be,” as my capacities and self awareness increase, so does my ability to be more in love with someone.

Also, I could be in love with the man on the street I don’t know by accepting him fully as he is and allowing myself to be open to him even if I have no desire to draw him into a “higher” level of love. I dare say though the closer to kindred spirit love one experiences another, the more likely one is to be in love with them because the nature of being met (at least as I have experienced it in the world) has beings open to Other.

This was probably the first model I ever distinguished, now that I think about it. And I realize now that it is holonic in nature in my experience.

I also realize my experience of love is whacked by most people’s standards. This model explains why polyamory (and in a sense, polysexuality) have been so easy for me to embrace in my life -- I think because I can literally walk through my life being “in love” with everyone. This is a confusing experience to have when so many people reserve that term and limit who they will be in love with when in my world, I am most healthy when I feel in love with all things because I operate at a different vibration in the world. For me, this is the altered state of flow and when I access that space, I know only openness and love and I am at my best.

Anyone I call a good friend I have had at least one moment of being in love with them. And for me, if I’ve been in love with someone, I would consider being sexually involved with them — why wouldn’t I want to share that level of intimacy with them as well as all the others? Hence the boundary-less-ness of my (bi or should I say Try)sexuality because my sexual attraction to a being is directly derived from my love for them which is immediately informed by my openness to them in combination with the overlaps described in the model above. I notice that I see people’s spirit when I look at them (which is also what I see when I look in the mirror) so people’s physical form doesn’t really impact my sexual attraction. There is, often, a high correlations between someone’s own love of themselves and health and how they look physically, but it is incidental to and not what draws me to people or to be attracted to them sexually.

Hence romance doesn’t make much sense to me as romance seems like a construct for limiting relating, seeing as it is often about singling out people to be romantic with, rather than expanding it. For me. Hence my confusion about interacting in that context with people. :D

August 4, 2007: fire dancers stuck in the fire

I was on my way to a gig and we got caught in a fire -- rather there was a fire and traffic was stopped and the road was closed. We had to turn around and go back. That was fun and interesting.

I've never seen a natural fire that big before. Beautiful experience. And really humbling too. It was clear the fire had traveled pretty far because we could see where the fire department had put out the fire and where it was still moving.

It was so big. Made The Man burning look small. Very small. Very pale.

July 30: On the Radio!

I love technology! I love that I can sit in my bed naked and be on a talk show with a woman who is 2500 miles away, perhaps even sitting in her own home and that anyone on the web can listen to it! How awesome is that?

archive here:
http://blogtalkradio.com/coachkradio

July 21: Filming

I so love my life. I made this cool costume where the trim cost more than the clothes. I get to roll around in the dirt and play wth fire... ah, yes, there I go doing things I "shouldn't" be doing... hee hee...

June 23: Putting out at O'Hare

On my way to Liz and Devin's wedding. Sean will be here soon. I'm wearing the shirt the fire safety team wore for the 2007 Temple of Poi Fire Dancing Expo... well, modified a little. Should I put beads on it and make it really silly? Tamale said she won't be seen with me wearing that. Hmmm...

April 30: Flow Journal

- inverted thread the needle (mike)
- inside weave (noel)
- 1.5 weave
- pendulum weave
- tangle
- hyperloop
- airwrap
- inverted weave
- infinite weave
- split time flower 2x1 big/little petal
- hybrid antispin butterfly
- uhs bfly with lockout on side in split time.

April 29: Temple of Poi 2007 Fire Dancing Expo

A grand success, even if I did set my costume on fire. Ironically, none of the beginners did it but a bunch of the pros did. . .

April 28: GlitterGirl and Fire Friends on KRON TV

My second television experience! :)

April 7: Journey

I liked this. Speaks to the journey over the destination.


What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become
by achieving your goals.
~ Zig Zigler ~

March 14: Voices

The more faithfully you listen to the voice within you, the better you will hear what is happening outside.
~ Dag Hammarskjöld ~

March 9: Michael Crichton

We all can work ourselves into a hysterical panic over possibilities that we won't look at. What if I have cancer? What if my job is at risk? What if my kids are on drugs? What if I'm getting bald? What if I am faced with some terrible thing that I don't know how to deal with? And that hysteria always goes away the instant we are willing to hear the answer. Even if the answer is what we feared all along. Yes, you have cancer. Yes, your kids are on drugs. Hysteria accompanies an unwillingness to look at what is really going on; it promotes an unwillingness to look. We feel we are afraid to look, when actually it is not-looking that makes us afraid. The minute we look, we cease being afraid.
~ Michael Crichton, Travels ~

March 2: Going to DC

I love my new MacBook Pro...

February 24: Wisdom

I'd like to share a little about _Wisdom_, as I understand it just now. Perhaps it will give you joy in some way -- I imagine especially those who have done Arete.

I have for years considered doing Arete. First, because of a completion party I was at (also my first professionally paid fire dancing gig) at which I met Travis. At the party, Marcella came up to me and said something that I would categorize now as poignantly honest. It was some insight about my social awkwardness and it was delivered with such innocence and love, it really made me curious about the Arete experience. You see, Marcella was answering my question about Arete, "What is it?"

Bryan did it, then Travis. Then a series of people I really respect and love. Then I felt pressured to do it. Then I felt judged at some point -- I'm sure it was my hallucination. Then I felt on the outside. Then I wasn't hanging out with so many folks in the Arete community. Then I returned to see many from that community who thought I had done it.

I've had an interesting relationship with attending and not attending for at least 5 years now. What strikes me about it is the idea of "being open" and what that means.

My greatest sense of openness shows up for me when I play with flow toys. Over the years, I've been integrating that flow into the rest of my life, working towards greater openness... Sensing that was better for me somehow but not really knowing why.

The past 36 hours has been fairly packed and intense for me. It included having the great pleasure of celebrating the inspirational life of a dear friend as well as the amazing gift of educating a 14 year young woman who flew in with her uncle to take a poi intensive with me.

The experiences was touching and concluded with me getting to witness Aria perform a little piece of choreography, most of which she couldn't do 36 hours ago. Then her uncle Joey gave me a gift.

It was wrapped in brown paper with GlitterGirl written on it and there was a heart over the "I" -- I was touched by that because I just decided how to sign "isa" on paper in the past few weeks: I am putting a heart as the "dot" on the "I".

I walked out of the building with the beautiful gift and got swept up into a hilarious series of misunderstandings with a good friend resulting in the expected expenditure of about $50. I thought that was a bummer.

Yet I maintained a good spirit, stayed in my center pretty well (at least by self-to-self comparison) and, to my great joy, remained _open_. I found my way home finally and kicked back to open the gift.

It is a beautiful book called Wisdom: 365 Thoughts from Indian Masters by Danielle and Olivier Foolmi.

I didn't notice at first, but there was a very beautiful thank you note and tip inside the book on the page with today's date on it. The amount? $50. Perfection I thought.

And then it got better. I sat there reading some of the quotes, thinking how awesome Joey was and reflecting on the craziness of the last 36 hours of my life.

Then I intentionally made myself open -- for the first time in my life I recall feeling completely at choice about my ability to open, particularly in the face of lots of things that in the past would have had me close.

Because of this, my understanding of openness has completely shifted... I realized it as I was reading a passage ("In nature, action and reaction are continuous. Everything is connected to everything else. No one part, nothing, is isolated. Everything is linked and interdependent. Everywhere everything is connected to everything else. Each question receives the correct answer" - Svami Prajnanpad) of _Wisdom_:

Being able to choose openness in every moment is freedom.

It is the freedom to choose to remain open when I might otherwise unconsciously close. I imagine it must be enlightenment.

I also can see so clearly so many ways in which I resist opening -- like resisting Arete for so long. . . which I am grateful I will be doing in May.

February 19: KRNV TV Appearance

KRNV reporter Adriana Banovich covers the surge of poi fire dancing in the Reno, NV area, featuring Reno's premier poi troupe, Controlled Burn with supporting audio from moi, Temple of Poi founder, Isa "GlitterGirl' Isaacs and footage of Hunter and I from the Temple of Poi 2006 Fire Dancing Expo. My first television appearance! whoo hoo!

February 14: Try...

"Try everything twice -- the first time might have been a fluke" - Mom

February 5: Perfection...

The true perfection of man lies, not in what man has, but in what man is....Nothing should be able to harm a man but himself....What is outside of him should be a matter of no importance.
~ Oscar Wilde ~

February 5: Right Answer

By the time the average person finishes college he or she will have taken over 2,600 tests, quizzes and exams. The 'right answer' approach becomes deeply ingrained in our thinking. Life is ambiguous; there are many right answers-all depending on what you are looking for. But if you think there is only one right answer, then you'll stop looking as soon as you find one.
~ Roger von Oech ~

WWYD?

How would you feel if you friend told you they just tested HIV+?

January 1: Happy 2007

I had a fascinating new year's eve. I had a gig that I accepted for less money than I would normally require. Why? Ultimately, because of my (unfounded) fear of not being able to pay my rent.

I arrived at the site and within minutes fell in a construction ditch (about a 4-5 foot blind drop -- didn't see the hole because it was dark) while surveying the performance area on the other side of the construction zone. The client led us there, in case you're wondering.

I sprained my finger (and put more pressure on the finger I had two days earlier dislocated in practice for a show I'm doing) and sustains some bruises and abrasions on my rather ample butt. Apart from that, I walked away from the accident laughing about it. It was, objectively, funny even if my subjective experience included injury, pain and discomfort. Surveying the situation, I consider myself lucky in that I could have fallen onto some rebar or broken my leg or twisted my ankle and had some really serious injuries.

Anyway, the client hadn't provided an appropriate area for managing our fuel and set us up in the neighbors driveway -- fairly close to the ditch I fell in with the performance area just on the other side of that. The neighbor was understandably upset and confronted us -- he was not pleased we had fuel in his lot near wood and was naturally concerned that an accident might lead to a fire. So after setting up and getting everything ready for our first performance (this means soaking all our tools which we'd passed through the construction area to our safety person), we had to pack up our gear and move
it to the sidewalk in the front of the house.

By this point, we'd missed the performance window -- we were supposed to go on for our first set before midnight but the delays made this impossible. Some time later we performed our first set using live music rather than the music I had spent 5 hours editing for our intended show. The tools wouldn't light well at that point. Why? The fuel had evaporated because we'd been waiting so long.

Our second set was more of the same, with the client refusing to tell the DJ to play our music when the DJ wouldn't do so. During the second set, I slipped on the carpet outside -- a wet green leaf got under my shoe. I'm told I made it look like a break dancing move. Not bad for a sore girl with swollen fingers and a bruised bottom. ;)

While we did not perform the show we'd intended, we did perform an amazing show and earned ~15% tip from the client.

In the 5 years I have been a professional fire dancer I have never had a client fail to meet so many of the agreements of our contract nor have I had an experience laden with so many difficulties.

Upon reflection, it seems like a blessed experience. Those who witnessed my first fall indicated they were concerned they would be transporting me to SF General -- not just the client, but the other dancers and witnesses present. I then performed two fabulous sets in the face of all sorts of opposition and earned a tip from the client.

I imagine 10 years ago I might have looked at this experience as a sign that the new year would be fraught with challenges -- a "bad sign" about the things to come.

Now, thankfully, my world is different. I was inspired becayse as we were leaving the venue, one witness went so far as to say I must be a special being to be able to walk away laughing from something like that when I could have ended up injured in the hospital, let alone performing the way I had.

I am grateful to say it seems more natural for me to view this event as a sign that the new year will be filled with the ability to flow through challenges and walk away with a smile on my face, laughter in my voice, and abundance in my pocket... even in the face of obstacles that quite literally will drag me down than the less positive perspective I might have had 10
years ago.

What I learned I offer you now as follows:

May 2007 bring you all you desire, including the resources to laugh when you are down, the strength to pick yourself up and keep going in the face of that which you hadn't planned being foist upon you, the will to move through the pain that can sometimes stop you in your tracks and the capacity to remind yourself just how great a joy all that you have really is.

RamHawk: Blue Spiral

Temple of Poi performed today in Union Square. What an honor to once again get to support the San Francisco Food Bank's Canned Food Drive! We also sold copies of the Temple of Poi 2006 Fire Dancing Expo DVD and donated a portion of the sales proceeds to the Food Bank as part of our contribution to the beautiful work they do.

Working with students was really fun for this event despite the sound challenges we had, as is evident in Sarah and Devon's piece. Considering all the sound challenges, they did a super amazing job! I am proud to have contributed in any way to their success and humbled by the professionalism they had while performing.

I may not believe in astrology, but…

In the early part of the decade I spent a lot more time out in the late night dance scene. At one point, I was actually out there working at parties, including working the door of one party for a little bit of cash. I had been there a short while – it was early in the night – and I had gotten into a great conversation with the bouncer. We had been talking for about 10 minutes when he asked me what my astrology was. I said to him I was an Aires. Then he asked me my Chinese astrology and I told him I was year of the Rooster.

I don’t really believe in astrology – how can a bunch of stars actually predict who I am and what I’ll be? And, I often find the lessons presented in astrology have powerful parables which we humans can gain from, if we look for how the messages are true for us in that moment.

Given my beliefs, I was surprised when the bouncer spoke the most accurate one sentence summary of me based on those two piece of information. He said, “Oh, so you’re a ram-cock: a strong yet squishy forward moving object that likes to get into stuff.”

My haircut is in honor of those traits.

Start Again

What I got out of this silence was a gift I never could have gotten had I gone to North Fork: anchors in my own home to my own unrelenting ability to sit with myself and ignore soooooo many distractions. For me, breaking the silence began first when Hunter called me and I answered the phone. Hearing my own voice was bizarre – I hardly recognized the sound outside my head, but more than that, using my vocal cords felt funny.

I think coming back into my voice took a good 1.5 days. Food, on the other hand, took quite a bit less time and I found myself eating chicken soup on the first day. Eating was in fact weird for quite a few days and I was grateful to have taken the 10 days to reset my relationship to food.

Day 10: Because Evolution is What Separates us from the Monkeys

For years I’ve been hearing about Ken Wilber’s work, integral thinking and his AQAL model. During the last 3 days of my sit I listened to his Kosmic Consciousness audio product which I highly recommend. It was as if, for me, years of things I sort of understood all clicked into place and suddenly the world made a whole lot more sense. More than that, it was as if I was suddenly able to see myself in ways I had never understood before and my whole journey took on more meaning as I began to see my own evolutionary process unfold within the context of his model and those he cited. It was a beautiful experience and a fine way to end the 10 days of silence.

Day 9: The Unexpected: Part II

On Monday, I had one of the best opportunities to notice my sensations as fear arises. As I was sitting, I heard noises at my front door. After living at my residence for nearly 3 years, I’m fairly familiar with the sounds made on the front steps of the house, so when the sound of the front gate opening during the day happened, I wasn’t really particularly surprised as I have 3 neighbors downstairs. What followed were the sounds of noises that sounded a lot like a key in my front door and scratches on the glass of the door. As I was sitting, a bevy of thoughts ran through my head: Is this a friend who is simply messing with my head, knowing I’m doing a sit at home? Is this someone breaking in? Would I just sit and be with my experience or get up if a burglar really came into my home?

I actually thought perhaps the most empowering thing I could do was remain unmoved, simply noticing my sensations if in fact someone was in my home to steal. I tried to imagine what they might feel like watching someone sitting there all zen’d out while they were trying to rob the place. I had fantasies of them turning around and leaving without touching anything after noticing me sitting there. I also had visions of them killing me while I was sitting noticing my sensations. I wondered if in fact that would be an enlightened moment.

As it turned out, the noises and person went away, the gate slammed closed and no one came in, though there was a repeat of the sounds about 15 minutes later with the same outcome.

Day 8: The Unexpected: Part I

Relieved to have access to my email – amazing my attachment to it, really – I found myself really moved on Thanksgiving day by all the people who decided to contact me and send me wonderful messages of gratitude. Having my original time piece stop working and having to use my phone to time my sits, it was perhaps the hardest day of all to remain silent since I received so many text pages and calls.

I hadn’t accounted for the response I might have and my own desire to contact people. I had no idea how so many messages of gratitude would impact my experience, though I was, in fact, quite grateful for my own experience at that point. Perhaps the most unexpected communication came from my friend Dan who sent me an email (it was simple but effective) articulating that he was grateful for me in his life. Given that Dan and I had rarely spent any time together socially I was pretty moved by the experience. What a gift…

Day 7: I just want to eat a big red steak

After not chewing for 7 days, I simply wanted to chew on a big steak. Nothing else really seemed interesting -- just a nice, juicy, rare, steak. An interesting craving to sit with. Excellent practice. And that was the point of doing them both together for me -- to notice my own cravings around what I put into my body so I could change my relationship to them.

Of course, my craving to write emails was something I just decided to give up on Day 7. From a time perspective, it seemed to just make more sense to write the emails and simply put them into my draft folder. I was also presented with interesting dilemmas about that. One of my students had to miss a rehearsal for family reasons and I wanted to assure her we’d work it out. I assured myself, had I actually gone to North Fork, she would not have gotten a response so really it was okay.

It was like the day someone came and rang my bell. It was actually a little scary because it sounded like someone had gotten in my front gate and was playing with my doorknob. I was in a sit at the time so I got to sit and notice my fear. It happened a second time maybe 15 minutes later. I made up a fun story in my head that one of my friends who knew I was sitting in my home did it to test me. :)

Day 6: I'm sleeping in

My sleep schedule got dramatically off Goenka's plan. I tossed and turned for hours. Shortly after midnight the senna tea was working and I found myself up late on and off the toilet for a few hours. The subsequent burning sensitive being... Invigorating... inspired me to do a 1 hour sit at 2 am. The idea of waking up at 4 am after only going to sleep at 3 am seemed both unhealthy and silly.

I decided I was simply going to sleep in, and sleep in I did -- to 8 am, a time that is still earlier than the time I normally awake at. I sat again, and again and then, at 11 am, I simply decided I was more interested in getting the class I had designed a few days prior out of my head than continuing to just meditate for the second 5 days of my retreat.

So I wrote. 14 pages of 12 point non formatted text to be used as part of the handouts for the new class.

Of course, Vladlen's words were in my head again about wimping out. If I was silent for 10 days and meditated every day, even if I only maintained most of the rigor of Goenka's plan for the first 5 days, was I wimping out? I decided not. I realized at some point early on day 6 that I was being attached to the idea of what the 10 days should look like rather than surrendering and simply letting them arise and pass away naturally. Ah, what relief this was.

Day 5: Walk 100 Laps in my Socks

Solitary confinement is starting to make sense. I'm making a break for it today when I go and move the car - ah, the great outdoors. I haven't been outside since Wednesday and here it is Monday of the following week. Hmmm.

Had I gone to North Fork, I would have been forced to walk from my dorm to the meditation hall to the food hall to my dorm and back and forth between these places a few times. I didn't realize when I set out to do this how much of a break that bit of walking provides. Even if all I did was the necessary walks from one building to another, I would have doubtlessly walked a good 30-45 minutes a day - I'm sure at least a mile a day.

With the lack of exercise this journey afforded, I decided to recreate the walking experience. Determining a lap around my apartment (down the hall, through my bedroom, around the corner of the sunroom, through the kitchen, through the living room and back out into the hall) was approximately 52 feet and vaguely recalling a mile was something in the 5200 feet range, I figured 100 laps would do a mile pretty well. I had to laugh at that though... is it really in the spirit of this journey?

Day 4 (Part II): I Love My Mom

One of my sits this afternoon was dedicated to one of the most amazing people I've ever known: Mom. I love my Mom. It's not that I don't love my Dad, merely that it's beside the point (and, to be clear, I love him deeply). Dad's the kind of guy who mostly doesn't care about these sorts of acknowledgments. Weather through Zen mastery or social conditioning birthed from off-the-charts-cognitive-genius unmatched by another, I can't say, but I can say his heartfelt desire to serve and support his family and the selflessness through which he has demonstrated that through the decades is a trait I have long admired.

But I digress.

When I was a little girl, I thought my Mom was the most beautiful woman in the world. . Sure, she had a few extra pounds on her for as long as I can remember, but with her mile long legs, calf development to die for, high cheek bones, pouty lips and killer smile, who was I to think anything but how beautiful she was?

Did I mention she always - and I mean always - had the best collection of coolest shoes a girl playing dress up could want to choose from? (Assuming Mom didn't catch me in her closet with the shoes, that is.) Fortunately for my pocketbook and chiropractic bill, though perhaps less fortunately for my sense of aesthetics, I developed my Dad's sensibilities around my shoes... though I remember the best pair of spiked pumps I ever owned was a pair of black Andrew Geller net and suede shoes I somehow convinced Mom to give me over a decade ago. I nearly cried when I discovered they were worn out.

I wanted to grow up and look and be exactly like my Mom. She has always carried herself with grace and power and for as long as I can remember, there was something about my mom that was alluring in her physical form. I think that's why I'm so comfortable having a few extra pounds on me. It might be her swagger when she walks... or maybe it is her ample decolletage, or as Mark might say, maybe it is a both/and.

Mom was my hero for many years - how many girls my age can boast a Mom who is still married, has 5 healthy, well-adjusted kids and still managed to have a successful career? Well, perhaps a few. I imagine though there are not so many who can laud their Mom as a woman who successfully navigated the politics of the New York City School System such that they landed a job as Superintendent of Schools. Mom was one of the first women to do that sort of thing. It may be she was the first in her district - I can't rightly recall.

Sure, I could say something things about how I wish my Mom were this or that or blah blah blah. When it comes right down to it, my sister-in-law Ilona (thanks girl - you got this right!) pointed out the fact that as different as we are, we are very similar women in some life-shaping ways. We are women with committed work ethics whose passion and fire show through in all we do and, at the end of the day, if there were a battle to be fought, I'd rather my mother were at my side than on anyone else's team. She may be the most fiercely loyal, loving and passionate woman I've known... well, save her middle daughter (yeah, that's me) whose grateful for the gifts we share, even if there are some we don't.

Day 4: Holy Colon Blow, Batman!

Everything changed on Day 4. Before sleeping on day 3, I had profuse thoughts which kept arising and would not pass away that were of a sensual nature - something about showers and my lover. I finally indulged these thoughts so, there it was, precept 7 out the door. That of course led to precept 3 following 7 out the door. Now, technically, precept 1 was already violated - I was killing bacteria in my colon by the uncountable multitudes alone and let us not forget the stray ants getting killed in the refrigerator door jam every time I opened and closed the door. Beyond that, I'd already noticed myself actually say, "Ok" at some point on day 1, so, what was I left with?

A very humorous situation, I tell you. As part of the master cleanse, in addition to taking laxative tea in the evening, you do a colon flush in the morning. This consists of drinking 32 ounces of water with 2 teaspoons of non-iodized salt in it. I assume that the salt water ratio is exactly perfect that it simply passes through your digestive system without the water being absorbed through osmosis (or the salt through diffusion) into the rest of the body. If you've never done this, let me share, it is quite effective.

Having gone back to taking tea on the third day (see, the tea loosens everything up and the salt water flushes it out), and getting up sluggishly before light on day 4, I waited to drink the salt water until after sitting a bit. After sitting and taking the 10 minutes or so to prepare the days "food" (if, as V suggested, you could call subsisting on 600-1200 calories of maple syrup a day (while cloistered in your home) "food") I took my salt water solution and then sat to meditate again.

There are certain sensations which arise and do pass away. I'm familiar with many of them. Pain, itching, sneezing, dry mouth, running nose, aching guts, and even, to my great relief, my burning butt -- at least to some degree, though, as I stated, it was tender all week. However, there are some sensations that simply do not "pass away" without some action, including peeing and pooping. (Remember: Poop spelled backwards is poop!)

What changed for me on day 4 was what I'm grateful to relate as a humorous situation, though, I'm sure there would have been a time in my life when it was embarrassing. There I was, sitting for my first sit of strong determination (the first official one of the 10 day vipassana) doing my best to have at least some moment of noticing my sensations in between my rather creative monkey mind experiences. Mind you, I had already sat on the toilet 2 times, so I thought everything would be okay.

Oh no... it was not to be. Do you know what happens when you have a bowel full of salt water solution and you cough? In my case, you're really grateful you happened to have put on shorts under your pants to address your concerns about anal leakage because, in fact, they had come true.

Now Buddha might have thought it enlightened to sit in a puddle of that nature; I did not. And left with nothing else but a really long laugh at myself, I had to reassess what I was actually going to do with the rest of my 10 day retreat.

The urge to throw in the towel was certainly pretty profound at this point - I'd broken half the commitments, I was sneezing, snotting, coughing and having great colon blows. And V had said to me as only he could, "If you're going to wimp out, you might as well wimp out big." He clarified this by saying wimping out on day 2 made sense; on day 8 it did not. This, of course, was in an effort to get me to go to his Birthday Party which coincides with day 6 of this 10 day journey.

I decided I'd call my 10 day a success if I didn't:
- call or email anyone
- do any work
- make anything
- not kill any ants intentionally (they are still committing mass suicide in my freezer)
- actually sit for 10 hours a day (3 full hours as sits of strong determination)

I thought I'd get the laugh out of my system and I resisted the urge to call 10 people who I thought would laugh hysterically at what had just happened to me. Instead, I got on my laptop which doesn't connect to the internet, typed up the whole thing and then I would get back to work.

This of course made me get back to the real question: What was my outcome? For what reason had I actually chosen to do this 10 day retreat?

The answers were clear: to get centered (check), to take some time for myself (check), to stop working (check), to take a vacation (check), to change some habits and develop new ones (hmmm.... We'd have to see about that), to do something which would help me grow (check), to develop my witnessing skills more (check) and to go deeper into myself (check). While I could say, on some level, I'd achieved all these things, I knew there was more to be had. So off with the computer and back to the sitting.

Day 3: Sneezing Snot

As if to reaffirm my choice to stay at home, I was in the middle of a sit where I just kept sneezing. I projected myself into the meditation hall and decided the person who would have been sitting in front of me was grateful.

Even though it was only day 3, I had decided to attempt each sit as an hour long sit of strong determination. For those who do not know, this is a sit where you intend to remain still and unmoved. For me, the sitting still and not moving can sometimes make me have visions, literally, of jumping up and screaming. It's a great practice to sit through that because it is so challenging. I think that's the point. ;)

During one of these sits, snot was dripping down my face - the very thing I had said to Travis I wasn't sure I wanted to deal with. His voice in my head reminded me that he had done it during one of his sits in India alternating with Mike's voice saying, "How's your health?" It seemed I had duel voices in my mind distracting me.

When snot started out the second nostril, I burst into laughter, as it reminded me of a rather funny moment I shared with Vatra at Fire Drums this fall. He somehow managed to maintain his sense of humor after burning his cornea during an amazing set he was spinning and was cracking jokes with me behind the DJ booth, one of which involved a hysterical visual you'll have to ask him to show you some time. (Not for the faint of heart, I assure you...)

I think that sit was the most intense of the day. It ran from fun, to funny, to hysterical and even included deep crying -- partly prompted by my tender butt, something that persisted to varying degrees all week. That led me to remember how one night, Jim and Frank were home and offered me some fat free Pringles which have this fat alternative called, I believe, olestra. This "fat alternative" apparently goes right through your digestive system and has this interesting side effect called anal leakage. Given the tenderness of my butt, I was constantly noticing sensation there and was concerned about anal leakage for non-olestra reasons -- simply that I was eliminating with great force.

That reminded me of a Robin Williams clip I saw on YouTube.com recently which contained a bit on anal leakage. (I couldn't find that clip, but I found this clip which Is just as funny -- perhaps funnier.) And, my monkey mind being what it was, well, I was reminded of the rest of the clip. The end of the clip is him imitating... shall we say... Intimate acts between a man and a woman.

Later in the afternoon, I had the most "productive" sit where I did anything but actually notice my sensations. "Productive" is not exactly the word I would ideally want to be considering in relation to sitting, but I designed (in great detail) an entire workshop during that sit. Torn between "should I let it go" or "should I write it down" I compromised and rather than get on my computer, I wrote down the salient points in my journal. It was my thought that perhaps in writing it down, I would quit obsessing over it and let it pass away. The next sit it had passed away, which was great. And, I had decided the entire 10 days time away from work was worth it simply for that course outline I'd completed.

Day 2: Burning Butt, Aching Gut

When Sioux and I did the Master Cleanse 4 years ago, we made a huge pot of the stuff and we'd have afternoon tea. In the book we read, they suggested getting peppermint tea to use as a laxative to help facilitate additional elimination and to take it each afternoon. I had found that for me, that was not a particularly effective choice and during my first cleanse, I hadn't had nearly the quantity of bowel movements I thought one should expect for such a deep cleanse. I was happy to read about a different alternative this time, which is tea with senna leaf in it. I rather enjoyed the taste of it and was glad to discover in no way did it seem a chore to drink the tea. As a matter of fact, on day one, I had 2 cups of it.

Now one of the things they warn you about is that when you're eliminating, you'll experience any number of possible things which is a clear indication that the cleanse is in fact working. One of these things, while rare, does happen, This would be having burning bowel movements. After about the 6th shit in maybe 2 hours of this nature (I probably totaled 12 in the first 3.5 to 4 hours of the day), I was sure the cleanse was working. That, of course, and the extreme cramps and aches in my gut. It was wonderful to sit with the sensations and during my meditations on day two I got to some deep places of release and cried more than once what Mark would undoubtedly call healing tears.

And, I didn't take any tea that night because I was not ready for a repeat on day 3.

Day 1: Only 9 More Days

The 4 am wakeup bell was just as hard in the comfort of my own bed... perhaps harder. I mean, what was I doing? The mantra of the day on all the breaks from the meditation was, "only 9 more days"” and on the inside, I thought that didn'’t bode well for my success. I had thought, on some level, Damien and Kendra were correct in encouraging me to get my butt to North Fork and deal with being sick, but during the 5:30 AM sit, I unfortunately thought my intuition really was correct. Hacking up half a lung and some really gross stuff I'’m glad no longer resides in my body, I was grateful to just be at home, even if I thought 9 more days of this was a crazy idea.

10 Days On the Inside

Waking up sick had me clear that going to the 10 day was a bad idea. Instead, after getting coaching from several people but mostly because of my conversation with Travis (wherein he pointed out that I seemed more juiced by the idea to stay home), I decided to stay at home and do the 10 day silent retreat at home while also doing the Master Cleanse. This basically consists of drinking 6-12 glasses of a special lemonade (8 oz water, 1 oz maple syrup, 1 oz, lemon juice and 1/10 a teaspoon of cayenne pepper) each day; drinking laxative tea before bed; and starting the morning off with a salt-water solution (32 ounces of water with 2 teaspoons of non-iodized salt in it) each morning. If you think about it like doing your laundry in a washing machine: the cayenne/lemon juice combination acts as the soap agent for the intestines, the laxative tea acts as an intestine agitator and the salt water solution is sort of like the rinse cycle. The maple syrup provides the vitamins and nutrients (and calories) to sustain you.

I did this cleanse 4 years ago before my 10 day meditation, so it seemed appropriate to do them both together, though a bit more challenging. Of course, everyone was quick to point out the whole set of challenges that obviously arises when you do a sit at home. I was a disbeliever and thought, "I will do this."

My intention at the outset was:

1. do the master cleanse for 10 days
2. meditate following the course schedule and precepts for 10 days
3. not hoop or poi dance for the full 10 days
4. not call anyone and speak with them
5. not email anyone

I bought the food and, off I went...

The Palace, Goenka's 10 Day

In preparation for the December 11 Union Square show, I'm running a fire dancing performance class with 21 students. We're holding the class at The Palace of Fine Arts under this really beautiful dome. Seems like a good place to hold a practice, rain or shine, right? Well, it seems like it, but in reality, after 3 hours of practices there (the above class and another meeting with another group of fabulous performers), I found myself with a hoarse voice (even with the awesome megaphone Jim and Anne brought) and wet feet. This led to me getting the sniffles. So here I am, ready to leave tomorrow for my 10 day Vipassana retreat, wondering if I should go.

If you haven't done one of these retreats, here's the quick summary. All who attend a Vipassana course must conscientiously undertake the following five precepts for the duration of the course:

1. to abstain from killing any living creature;
2. to abstain from stealing;
3. to abstain from all sexual activity;
4. to abstain from telling lies;
5. to abstain from all intoxicants.

There are three additional precepts which old students -- of which I am one -- are expected to follow during the course:

6. to abstain from eating after midday;
7. to abstain from sensual entertainment and bodily decoration;
8. to abstain from using high or luxurious beds.

All students must observe Noble Silence from the beginning of the course until the morning of the last full day. Noble Silence means silence of body, speech, and mind. Any form of communication with fellow student, whether by gestures, sign language, written notes, etc., is prohibited.

And you then follow this schedule:
4:00 a.m.----------------Morning wake-up bell
4:30-6:30 a.m.-----------Meditate in the hall or in your room
6:30-8:00 a.m.-----------Breakfast break
8:00-9:00 a.m.-----------Group meditation in the hall
9:00-11:00 a.m.----------Meditate in the hall or in your room according to the teacher's instructions
11:00-12:00 noon--------Lunch break
12noon-1:00 p.m.--------Rest and interviews with the teacher
1:00-2:30 p.m.-----------Meditate in the hall or in your room
2:30-3:30 p.m.-----------Group meditation in the hall
3:30-5:00 p.m.-----------Meditate in the hall or in your own room according to the teacher's instructions
5:00-6:00 p.m.-----------Tea break
6:00-7:00 p.m.-----------Group meditation in the hall
7:00-8:15 p.m.-----------Teacher's Discourse in the hall
8:15-9:00 p.m.-----------Group meditation in the hall
9:00-9:30 p.m.-----------Question time in the hall
9:30 p.m.----------------Retire to your own room--Lights out

The thing is, while you sit during 3 of the 1 hour group sits, for 7 of the 10 days you are not supposed to move. As someone with a running nose, in close quarters to someone else, I question two things: 1. does this make sense for my health? 2. Does this make sense for everyone else's health?

I'll sleep on it and figure it out in the morning...

The Ants Go.... Marching Suicidally

Oh how weird the world is.

When I sent the email about the ants last week, it must have been some kind of weird foreshadowing.

A colony decided to invade my home when the rain hit. And, in the weirdest of experiences I've ever had with ants, they congregated in the most bizarre place I can think of: my freezer.

I guess with absence of anything on the counters and floors and surface tops that must have seemed like a good place to go.

So there a lots of dead ants on the top of the shelves on the door of the freezer with more attempting to get in. Very odd...

The Ants Go Marching 1-by-1

We live in California so ants seem to a fairly common thing to come by in ones home.

I often consider them as I watch them march by -- are they really the more evolved ones? Their path is so clear and requires nothing more than the beingness of it. I recognize that to think this somehow denies the obvious evolutionary span humans have which ants do not... it is just that sometimes I wonder, are they really laughing at us and speaking to each other and since we don't speak ant we don't really know how evolved they are?

What I really question with much more seriousness: should I kill the ant or let it roam free. Generally I just let it go if there are only a few, but when it looks like they will congregate and create a mass encampment, I start with the genocide. (is that
the right word for exterminating in this context?)

Especially now that I'm getting ready for my (second) 10 day silent meditation retreat wherein you vow "to abstain from killing any living creature," I ask myself this question again and again: do I kill the ant or let it live?

And then I question my criteria.

To some extent, the vow is impossible to maintain -- my guts are constantly killing invasive organisms to sustain my life -- are they not creatures simply because I can't see them?

Is the underlying spirit of the rule to say, "have consciousness about those creatures whose life you snuff" rather than being about the strictness of the rule itself?

A Children's Party

Hunter (isn't he hot? that picture is amazing!), Atreyu (who wore a mask which scared the children -- but it was Halloween! aren't masks okay?) and I were off to do a gig for a 6 year old. I acquired this gig through a beautiful woman I met on the N line some months ago to whom I gave my card. She saved it, called me out of the blue, and hired us to perform. Butterflies are of course fabulous for children's parties, so I went with that. Unfortunately, I didn't take a picture before the gig, so the picture here is what is left over after getting home. And lucky us, we got some fire photos out of it too. The really bright one in the middle is us doing this move that everyone loves where I do hip reels with my poi around us both while Hunter does some sort of figure 8 up high so we don't get tangled. Of all the moves we created, that one was the most random -- we just did it in practice one afternoon. Oddly enough, easy as it was for us to create, crowd consistently love it. What a fun thing to be a fire dancer. I love my life.

Exploring the Energetic Skin

I feel blessed to have met Atreyu. He is an amazing being with whom I resonate strongly. When I look in his eyes and he is looking back, I feel a timeless connection which lightens my soul and brightens my day. I experience our interactions as easy, fun, growth oriented -- at the worst of time -- and spiritually bound in ways I've not experienced with others at our best. More than once I have had the experience of what I would call exploring the energetic skin between us. By this, I mean exploring the place where our subtle bodies -- one might call this our auras -- meet and connect, touch, and expand into each other. I have described it as feeling like in the place where our energetic skin touches, infiinite fractals are born. It feels electric, even though our gross/physical bodies are not actually touching. I think this is because we have this instant rapport created by our mutual movement of energy through dance. He is amazing control of his body in the liquid/pop-n-lock style of movement and each time I watch him, I am reinspired to grow in my own dance skills.

Decompression

I love butterflies! Here's one that I absolutely loved making, though it took a really long time to do because of all the details. It lasted throughout the day really well though, which was fun.

Various Makeup

Nothing in particular to say about any of these... though I do enjoy them.

3 Gigs in One Day

But only one makeup job. :) And yes, that necklace is painted on. It makes hooping so much easier and I had to hoop at all 3 gigs.

I.D.E.A.

My good friend Jason has lots of I.D.E.A.s he shares through his work at the Institute for the Development of Evolutionary Awareness. He has been a tremendous gift in my world and helped me acquire many of the distinctions fundamental to both my work and my lifestyle. Todays headline is for him and his IDEAS -- may they spread far and wide to serve the greater good.