The hardest thing i have ever done, physically, to date

Mikey is leaving today. I'm up early, Mike and Atreyu went out dancing last night so they are both lagging since they came home at 4:30 am and we're supposed to leave for the airport at 6:45. Realizing i was risking missing the ride, i decided to catch the BART from SF to the east bay rather than have Atreyu drop me off on his way back from dropping Mike at the airport. Not the way i wanted to see Mike off... and still, the training had to happen.

getting on the bike, on a cool spring morning at 7:30 am, i rode down to the bart station, excited about the adventure of the day. Definitely nervous. I mean, my longest ride was only 12.2 miles at that point. i barely understood how to shift my gears and i'd dropped my chain just a few days earlier on a hill while riding.

not to worry. i meditated on the train, thinking of Adam C. and all the ways he and his practice have encouraged me in my journey. I thought of the funds people gave me. I thought of the fact that this was the reason i was doing the ride -- for the challenge.

pulling into the pittsburgh/baypoint stop at the end of the line, i got off the train and looked at all the other riders around me. "wow... am i a biker?" clueless and unsure, i found my way to the pack where i was greeted by Dan and his brother in law Paul, two great guys that actually made it easy on me. Dan was the ride leader and his brother-in-law was so friendly and supportive, i immediately felt like i could do it and things would be great.

safety lecture, comments... a quick show of hands about experience and a joking question, "anyone's first training ride?" lots of scoffs from the group and me timidly raising my hand to say, "yeah..." people looking at me funny as if i was joking... me saying, "yeah, i'm serious."

off we go. riding through the streets. it's really different in a pack of 25. we head off... we're zipping along. 17 MPH... 22... OMG,i'm going 27 MPH... holy geez... i'm over 30 MPH. i didn't think that was possible, but with these little rolling hills, suddenly i am in a different place. the pack has definitely separated out. I'm at the end of the front of the pack.

i realize quickly stopping is the enemy and less efficient. i value efficiency -- so i slow down rather than coming to complete halts. uncertain of how long it takes to stop, i slow early and, as a result, find myself losing the lead pack. we're on main roads. What did Dan say about where we were supposed to turn? Hmmm... i have a feeling i just missed the turn. stop, check the cue sheet... yup, i'm a half mile off... turn around, go back, catch up... yeah... nice work. i pull in and everyone's super supportive. Especially Liz. Wow -- another beautiful being on a journey of body discovery. Our stories are similar.

we leave the 18 mile rest stop, i'm feeling good. off we go to the half way point at the dam. up and down... rollers they call them... short little hills that aren't really that steep, but there's lots of them in a row. i realize how important conserving momentum is and shifting. Damn, my thumbs hurt. geez... when will i feel more comfortable on the hills? Make mental note: get brakes on the straight part of the handle bar.

finally make it in to the half way point. lots of conversation, support. talk about electrolytes. What? electrolytes? i just drank a gallon of water, what are you talking about? Oh... salt? sugar? hmmm... okay, if you say so. Wow, i'm so glad they said so. i already clocked 29 miles of riding for the day... my longest ride ever. wow. i feel great. i'm tired. i'm happy. i'm realizing my whole idea about training is absolutely nuts and i need to rethink my strategy. I need more rides and miles than i thought. no problem, i can do it.

we head out, going back to the starbucks. I'm slower than everyone else, but i get there, and still, surprisingly, after 44 miles, feeling pretty good. we start off again. lots of start and stop on the main road. i'm grateful for it. my quads are starting to get super sore. woah. only 48 miles. keep pushing. wow. small hills. only 50 miles? how am i ever going to do this? what am i thinking? 51 miles? stopping. have to breath. my god i didn't know my legs could be this sore from such a simple thing.

5.4 mph riding? what is my problem?

only one rider behind me... except the other ride leader John. I think i can make it... there's only a few more miles to get to the BART station... we take a rest. Dan comes back... saying he'll get his van to pick up the other rider and John. He and I take off. small hill -- i can do it... geez... only 53 miles? I stop at the next hill, realizing i am literally out of energy. oh geez. thanks Liz for those shot blocks (pure carbs)... i had just hit my wall. i walk the bike up the hill. a small hill. i climbed bigger ones that day, but it was really too much for me in that moment. we're only 2 miles from the BART Dan says. he's encouraging me, telling me how good a job i did, reminding me that every thing i ride now is a personal record for me.

renewed will... i get on the bike for the final push... lord, i wonder if i can make it... pumping an average of 6.5 MPH, crying as i do it, i finally make it over the hill... i'm shaking. wow. what did i just do?

Dan gives me carbs... Paul congratulates me... Liz yells to me from the car, let's be tentmates -- yeah! i'm so glad i found her!

I BART home... crying most of the way. text page Mikey, still stuck in DC on his way home... i'm glad he gave me the pep talk he did. i wonder... how am i ever going to do this? absolutely the hardest thing i've ever done physically... so far. I get off the bart, feeling a little better... and get back on the bike to ride it home. so glad that last bit of the miles i put on today are basically downhill. My ass is sore.

so glad to be in Atreyu's arms... holding me as i describe the whole thing, crying, shaking, sunburned, worn, raw... and proud of an unbelievable accomplishment i would never have though i could do 10 years ago... hell, 10 days ago.

Training for the AIDS ride

When I first conceived of doing this ride, apart from the obvious community
service aspects, it was for the following reasons on a personal level:

get in shape, dramatically changing the shape of my body change my relationship to my body get comfortable on a bike so i could use it as a transportation vehicle in SF that was in September when i got back from japan. cross training began. I was pretty dedicated until new year's -- holidays and then the impending launch of PoiGeek as well as the Temple of PoiGeek 2008 Fire Dancing Expo and i found myself not just avoiding the bike, but avoiding training like i had been in the fall. in the fall i had maintained a workout schedule averaging 8 25+ minute aerobic workouts a week for about 12 weeks, then took a dip down to an average of 4-6 a week. come 2008, i was maintaining about 3-6, but as march and then april approached, i simply wasn't working out.

At some point in there, Sean, my business partner, assuaged some of my concerns about the training, suggesting to a naive me that i could train after the launch of the company (April 26) and I'd have a solid month to do it. Well, Atreyu came back from Bali (early March), my birthday happened (march 23), we discussed getting into partnership (end of march/early april), he asked me to hand fast with him and moved in (2nd week of April), Mikey Icon came to stay with us (April 12), we worked on Mikey's DVD for PoiGeek (mid april), did a gig with Mikey that was a complete cluster f%*#k (april 19), prepared for the fire dancing expo and launch (April 26), had a national dance week event (april 27), prepared for the handfasting ceremony which then happened (may 1), went to FireDrums (first weekend of may) and then finally took a day or two off around may 7. Hmmm... with the ride less than a month away, I pretty much freaked out.

Looking over the training rides, i found one that was a category 3 ride (12-15 MPH avg speed) on really easy terrain (level 1 (of 4)) and thought -- this is a good idea. So, there i was, may 8, riding around SF, doing 9 milerides, prepping for the ride on may 10 which was 56 miles.

Decision Making Time

on or about the 9th of may, i realized i had to reach my financial goals by the 16th of may if i didn't want to have to stand in line during orientation. with $770 to raise, the question became, how dedicated to this was I? I realized immediately i was not willing to fund it all out of my own pocket, so i needed to raise money. In just a few short days, friends and family alike poured support into my world and i had reached over $2600 in funds raised by the 16th, exceeding the required $2500 to participate.

Because i raised over $500 in less than 48 hours, i knew going into the weekend i was likely to meet my goals, which gave me hope as i began the 56 mile trek in the east bay.

Nightmare!

I had a horrible dream that i couldn't find a tent mate... then i got stuck with a stranger. the stranger had an air mattress that they used, full queen size thing. it filled most of the tent. so there i was in the tent squished on my side between the air mattress and the side of the tent... then i woke up in a cold sweat. geez... is this going to be my fate? I need to find a tent mate...

I'm doing the AIDS Lifecycle Ride

when i first conceived of doing this ride, apart from the obvious community service aspects, it was for the following reasons on a personal level:

* get in shape, dramatically changing the shape of my body
* change my relationship to my body
* get comfortable on a bike so i could use it as a transportation vehicle in SF

that was in September when i got back from japan. cross training began. i was pretty dedicated until new year's -- holidays and then the impending launch of PoiGeek as well as the Temple of PoiGeek 2008 Fire Dancing Expo and i found myself not just avoiding the bike, but avoiding training like i had been in the fall. in the fall i had maintained a workout schedule averaging 8 25+ minute aerobic workouts a week for about 12 weeks, then took a dip down to an average of 4-6 a week. come 2008, i was maintaining about 3-6, but as march and then april approached, i simply wasn't working out.

At some point in there, Sean, my business partner, assuaged some of my concerns about the training, suggesting to a naive me that i could train after the launch of the company (April 26) and I'd have a solid month to do it. Well, Atreyu came back from Bali (early March), my birthday happened (march 23), we discussed getting into partnership (end of march/early april), he asked me to hand fast with him and moved in (2nd week of April), Mikey Icon came to stay with us (April 12), we worked on Mikey's DVD for PoiGeek (mid april), did a gig with Mikey that was a complete cluster f%*#k (april 19), prepared for the fire dancing expo and launch (April 26), had a national dance week event (april 27), prepared for the handfasting ceremony which then happened (may 1), went to FireDrums (first weekend of may) and then finally took a day or two off around may 7. Hmmm... with the ride less than a month away, I pretty much freaked out.

Looking over the training rides, i found one that was a category 3 ride (12-15 MPH avg speed) on really easy terrain (level 1 (of 4)) and thought -- this is a good idea. So, there i was, may 8, riding around SF, doing 9 mile rides, prepping for the ride on may 10 which was 56 miles.

Cosmic Lovers enjoying the bliss...

I got handfasted on Thursday. Wow! What an amazing experience. My amazing partner, Atreyu, and I wrote a 20 page covenant outlining what we are creating for ourselves and with each other. These are pictures from Fire Drums taken by a wonderfully sensitive photographer and flow artist there.

...and more bliss at Fire Drums

Hole in the Bucket

Benefits of Tea

I was surprised to read all these benefits to drinking tea today in a great
little marketing pamphlet from octavia tea (octaviatea.com) -- so I thought
I'd share in case it was useful to others. The brochure claims,

"According to Scientific Studies, a daily cup of tea:

- Reduces physical signs of aging (time magazine)
- Slow age-related decline in brain function (american journal of clinical
nutrition)
- reduces abdominal fat deposits (nutrition and cancer)
- lowers risk of cancer and kills cancer cells (consumer reports)
- combats arthritis & imrpves bone density (health magazine)
- lowers bad LDL cholesterol by up to 11% (us dept. of agriculture/msnbc)
- aids weight-loss & burns fat (american journal of clinical nutrition)
- improves immune system functioning (prevention)
- reduces the risk of heart attack by 44% (harvard study)
- fights bad breath and allergies (web md)

You are an Island...

A dear friend who is also on a weight loss journey wrote this to me today: "I feel very supported hearing my experiences and feelings echoed. Makes me feel like I'm not an island."

I wrote this in response... I rather enjoyed it and thought it might be inspirational for everyone on their journey of growth.

I was sharing to help you see that while you are an island -- it is your journey and yours alone -- it is more like we're a string of islands really close together rather than with an ocean between us and just a stones throw away rather than a 6 hour plane ride. I can't walk your walk for you... I can't choose your path for you... but I can send up fire works as I understand things to arise that hopefully will lighten the load and brighten your day.

(Change, any change, and in this context especially...) Weight loss isn't about overnight change, but about lifelong change. So it is about how you deal with it through time, not in any one moment. If you graphed your feelings of control v. out of control through time, how did you do overall?

Keep focus on the trend, not any one point in the graph -- any high can be just as disillusioning as any low. They are just moments to be cherished and learned from rather than clung to like a life preserver.

Your committment and certainty will have you return to the path every time you wander off, even if you it take more than a minute, or hour, or day, or week or even month.

You know what you want. Hold fast to that and all else will follow. Of this i am certain.

You have great power within you... and i know you know this. I merely hold up the glass in the moments when you're too tired to pick it up for yourself. ;)

Please support my body transformation through the AIDS Lifecycle ride!

Please support my body transformation while I ride to end AIDS.

When I was 22 years old, I graduated from college. I was a fairly miserable person at the time -- I hated my life, my family and most of all, myself.

As I came home from a shopping excursion to buy clothes to wear for interviews for my new ventures into corporate America, I discovered just how big I was. I was directed by a very helpful sales person to a store for Plus Sizes. Plus Sizes? How the hell did I wake up one day and find I had gained 144 pounds and was nearly 300 pounds? I had gained a person sleeping in my body in 22 months.

I woke up when I walked up the stairs with the bag of clothes and was huffing and puffing at the top of it. As I put my key into the lock, I knew I would be dead by the time I was 30 if I didn't make some massive changes.

I know it sounds unbelievable... I often cry, wondering how it happened and how I can prevent it from happening again. All the same, I've clearly made many changes, and, in total, I am, at my current weight, 130+ pounds lighter than I was at my heaviest.

In 2008 I will be 39 years old. Before I turn 40, I want to do a crazy physical challenge... Something to really prove to myself I have done the work, I have really changed, and I will never be that half asleep fat girl walking around without a clue I am even overweight.

Meanwhile, over the recent years I have been deeply impacted by HIV and AIDS, having known several people who are positive. In 2007, a dear friend was diagnosed positive with AIDS and that experience left me in a state of disbelief of the frailty of life.

Combine these factors together and 2008 has me signed up for the Aids LifeCycle ride. For those who do not know about this event, From June 1-7, 2008, I'm bicycling in AIDS/LifeCycle. It's a 7-day, 545-mile bike ride from San Francisco to Los Angeles to make a world of difference in the lives of people living with HIV and AIDS. Those who ride in the event are supported by a group of Roadies who set up rest areas, food stops and do all sorts of wonderful things to support the 3,000 riders participating in this event. I first heard about this ride from my dear friend and Director of Poi Instruction for my school, Temple of Poi, Jim Rudoff. He has been on the support team for this ride for years.

My personal goal is to raise $10,000 for the cause -- any donation helps... even $5 or $10. Please consider giving what you can to both support me in my personal transformation as well as helping me support the HIV/AIDS-related services of the L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center.

Fire Dancing In Union Square - I Am Not My Hair

December 11, as part of the San Francisco Food Bank's Canned Food Drive!

I am not my hair... and...

So here I am looking in the mirror. I imagine it is somewhat like waking up from plastic surgery. The face I¹ve known my whole adult life is disappearing before my eyes.

Since July, I've lost nearly 40 pounds and it is starting to show up in my face... Or rather, starting to not show up in my face.

It was one thing when I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize my body --- I mean, that's weird enough. And let me tell you, it is weird. It's especially weird now as I'm moving from a "fat" body to a "chubby" body. One of my girlfriends recently described it more or less saying that now I just look like I'm a chubby normal person rather than a not-so-fat fat girl. It's
definitely a different place to be.

But that's not nearly so challenging as waking up and looking in the mirror and my face just plain looking different. I'm not talking wrinkle lines, grey hair or zits or things like that. They are much more gradual and one seemingly has time to acclimate to them.

I'm talking big chunks of my face are seemingly gone. It looks weird when I write it -- but it looks weirder in the mirror. In the last 3 weeks I've ping ponged around in a 7 pound range which I swear all shows up in my face. At the top end of it I look like a different person than the bottom end of it. I'm massively impacted by it and I feel like I'm going crazy.

Did you know that you have fat on your forehead? I mean, I'm not that surprised my jaw looks different -- no more double chin makes sense. I -am- surprised my chin looks different and I notice a different shape to it. I'm not surprised my cheeks look different -- they were pretty full to begin with. But the sallow in my cheeks is a new look and the fact that I see my nose differently because I have less cheeks is just disturbing. But my forehead? I mean, that's a complete shock. I guess maybe it's just a shocking shock where the rest of them are just shocks I hadn't thought would happen but make logical sense at least.

My whole face looks different to me. So now I'm really struggling with looking at myself in the mirror.

Who is that person looking back at me that I don't recognize? I've never seen her before in my life. Not her body. Not her face. And I'm left with a feeling of, "that's not me."

And while I am not my body or my face or my hair or any of that, I do live in that body that owns that face and that hair and all of that is, at best, unfamiliar and feels wrong/off/weird/strange/just not right

Shifting your perspective

Question:How do you boost your expectations with Vitamin Joy so that you are guided to the Highest Vistas imaginable?

Glitter.

I have often thought of the dark part of the experience of life like a piece of black construction paper. Imagine if you will you are looking at the paper and all you see is a vast blackness. You inspect the paper, you look it over and then you tip it just the right way and out of no where, a tiny spec of glitter appears — that hope in the midst of the darkness that almost made it disappear.

Glitter for me is the metaphor of possibility. It is formless and shapeless, meaningless in fact, except for all the meaning I gift it. When I see a spec of glitter, I see the light — it is shinning upon me even in the smallest of ways. That visual reminder of the light is something I look for wherever I can — so putting it on my eyes (and subsequently, it falling on my eyelashes) often colors my life in such a way that when I move through the world, I get that lens flare effect of the light reflecting off the glitter when I look at simple things.

It is such a simple tool... And as a practice I have been engaging in for nearly 10 years, I have found glitter cheers me up like nothing else.

Other more universal ways to find the way back to the light that might be more approachable include:

Baths. They are gloriously refreshing and they can change your toxicity level if you put Epsom salt in the bath with it. Chemical body change just helps.

Adam’s wisdom about meditation has been 100% of the time spot on for me. Even if I don’t have a “good sit” that I am actually doing the sit always makes me feel like I am more on path.

Doing something with my body (or mind, though less so for me these days) that I was not formerly able to do — reminding me of how far I have come and that this journey includes the dark times.

Crying — the shower for the soul.

Dancing — predictably leads to altered states for me and the increase in endorphins is bound to make you feel better, at least for a period of time after

exercise — I at least get the endorphins even if I don’t get the altered state
eating something nutritious – another form of chemical change

creating a nourishing experience that is inspiring — be it a hike, or a meal that I “shouldn’t have” (wrong food, wrong price, too much time, whatever) -- which often includes an element of indulgence
sleep. This is by far the best cure for my negative states. James and I read an article in the paper a few months ago where they said some really high percentage of people don’t sleep enough (I think it was over 60%) and there is scientific evidence of the negative impact on emotional state/resourcefulness. (more chemical state change)

Alone time. Just getting in touch with what is going on often helps.

Perhaps the most difficult practice though also the one that allows things to shift the quickest for me is to be with the experience as fully as I can. The more fully I allow it to arise, the more quickly and fully it passes away. Acknowledging that I am feeling that way, perhaps even being witnessed in those feelings, often allows me the freedom to get messy and go into it in a way that serves my processing.

Surrender into the feelings rather than feeling like I need to combat them. Whoops! I’m feeling like shit again. Damn, I forgot about that part of the journey. Don’t worry, it will get better.

screaming into a pillow

punching my bed

doing an activity which requires a high degree of concentration in a domain that is not related to the upset — like driving my car skillfully through traffic – so I am 100% focused elsewhere for some period of time and can come back to the situation with fresh eyes/perspective

masturbation — always good for a state change which can provide temporary relief and will change your body chemistry as well.

distraction — movie, music, talk, walk.
working really hard — diving into my work so I feel like I’m making progress even if I’m feeling like shit about the process.

taking a day off — so I don’t have to think about anything in particular.

laughter. (more chemical change in the body)

talking to myself.

singing. Especially in the shower.

oming/toning/playing an instrument -- the vibration moves things through.

massage.
talking to one of the cool people in my life — different friends give different support, so I choose who to talk to based on what kind of support I want (commiseration, an ass kicking, sympathy, advice, perspective, witnessing).

Combining as many of the above as necessary to create change and allowing myself all the space I need to have the experience — even if it means all of these things.

Upekka

A friend sent this on an email list I'm on -- it is a meditation to help stay in the center:

You are the owner/heir to your own karma. Your outcome depends on your actions and not my wishes. No matter how I might wish things to be otherwise, things are as they are. Although I wish only the best for you, I also know that your happiness and unhappiness depends upon your actions, not my wishes for you. Whether I understand it or not, things are unfolding for you according to a lawful nature.

This reminded me of a distinction/saying my friends gave me years ago which really helped me on my path, which is
reworded/augmented by me to remind me of my path:

I am me. You are you.
My feelings are my feelings. Your feelings are your feelings.
My experiences are my experiences. Your experiences are your experience.
Your feelings and experiences are not my feelings and experiences. My feelings and experiences are not your feelings and experiences.
I am fully responsible for me; You are fully responsible for you.
My path is to witness without attachment and aversion, knowing I may witness you doing things that make me uncomfortable and I can not do anything about your choices.
I will choose, regardless of my dis/comfort with your actions, from a place of what serves me best which can include sacrifice only if I choose willingly and freely.
The degree to which I can remain in constancy with this knowing will determine, predictably, the degree of my emotional freedom and upset I create for myself in my life.

Cosmic Kiss

May the best of last year be the worst of this year
and may we all say this to,
bear witness to it being so
and
consciously co-create it with each other...
in truth,
as a tribe,
every moment...
of every lifetime
we experience in this dimension...
and all others...
for all time...
always.

Tribe -> Community -> Tribe

Looking back in time, humans organized themselves toward a common purpose of
survival using a hierarchical model sometimes known as tribes. There was a
leader (a chief for example), a healer, a warrior, a cook -- every one had
their place.

Because of the technological stage of development, the tribe had no
opportunity to move toward a vision that was beyond survival. As technology
advance, survival became easier and time more plentiful, we evolved toward
more global thinking. Thus became community as an evolution because the
focal point was in accomplishing something "for the greater good and
furthering of human kind or the planet" or some other lofty ideal.

Community is (or at least to me has seemed) bound by and pulled together to
work collectively toward a single vision which generally does not honor
individual leadership, but rather consensus thinking that mostly muddles the
ability of the group to actually get anything accomplished because it takes
so long to arrive at consensus.

I say we're moving toward -- and the particular tribe on this list
represents it to me -- a resurgence of the idea of hierarchy within a tribe.
So many of us are visionaries and leaders building communities and tribes of
our own yet coming together as a tribe, living the common vision of
supporting each other as individuals in the creation of our own unique
purpose.

So we have moved from needing hierarchy to make things happen in order to
survive (pre-rational tribe) to choosing to come together in service of a
group vision (rational community) to needing reintegrated leadership while
working for a greater good (trans-rational tribe).

It seems like the trans-rational tribe is coming together - each individual
in service of each other being in service of their own individual goals,
within which leadership is rewarded because in each individual accomplishing
their purpose/vision, they are able to help other's learn by bringing their
learning's back to the tribe for other's to integrate; whereas the rational
community comes together in service of a group vision where individuals
often have to acquiesce their goals to remain in service of the group.

The trans-rational tribes transcends and includes.

Permission

The other day I found myself triggered by a friend's choice to, from my perspective, fart their ideas into my space. I put it that way because it is both humorous and, from where I sit, accurate. Farts often occur without consciousness -- simply happening, kind of like when we know something or think we know something about what is going on and we just blurt it out.

From my perspective, my friend did not have permission to coach me. What that means to me is that before someone offers advice, they would ask if the listener (in this case, me) wants to hear it. There are many reasons for that, including (and not limited to):

the person may not be looking for your opinion or ideas

the person may simply be venting

the person may just be sharing their experience and only want to share without receiving in that moment

the person may be closed, generally speaking

the person may be closed, specifically to the person offering the coaching

the person may simply not want to switch context (ie, sharing/speaking/opening/venting/whatever to listening/receiving)

so the person offering said "advice/coaching" isn't impressing their
values on the other individual. (I take this very seriously, not just with respect to what I say, but also with what is said to me.)

This idea of permission is why I use the phrase, "Can I offer something?" so frequently because I do not want to be coaching someone who is either not prepared for it, not interested in it and/or in some way not open to receiving that which I have to offer.

I understand that in friendships there is a place where we offer ourselves to each other that, in some ways, seems like it should be apart from the idea of asking permission. That may be so for other people and my world generally speaking does not operate that way.

When I'm confused about this sort of thing with other people, I ask the person speaking what they are looking for from me -- to hold space, to offer coaching, to share my own experience, and/or whatever. These days, I'd like to think I don't really offer coaching without permission (though please call me on it if I do) except in the domain of where I am the explicit current "coach" (as in class and as it relates to poi, and at that, only sometimes since I am so sensitive to not wanting to trample on people's own development at their own pace).

Perhaps it is a subtle distinction that I've picked up working with and being friends with coaches in transformational communities for many years on end. What I know is I do not feel honored when someone puts things in my space I'm not interested in having there. For me, it occurs like clutter that I have to move around/through/over/avoid.

20070907: Everybody needs a little Now moment

The night Audree, Sean and I went out to film in July required us to synch up our iPods. We didn't want to drag a boom box around with all the fire gear as well as the camera gear, so instead, we shared the same playlist on our iPods so we could have some shared reality as I was spinning without disrupting the rest of the world.

Of course, then you have to sync up the ipods. Well, we started counting off -- " 3 - 2 - 1 - Now!" and on "Now" everyone would start the track at the beginning.

I'm on Shinkansen train with Sean -- the cool bullet train that runs from Kyoto to Tokyo (same letters, spelled differently. Hmm...) writing the blog entries so I can post them next time I get to an internet connection and I started bouncing around in my seat to one of our favorite tracks, "The Nebbish Route" by Shpongle off Nothing Last... But Nothing is Lost.

Fortunately, Sean had my set list on his iPhone because we filmed yesterday so, well, we got to have a bit of Now together.

20070906: Footage From Arashiyama

Since we didn't head north into the path of the typhoon, we decided we'd go visit Arashiyama, Kyoto again and film some poi dancing. Check out this silk flag poi dancing set by GlitterGirl (and order your own set of flags if you're so inspired!)

20070905: Rest. Recovery. Preparation. Forewarning.

Sean arrived. More sushi. Freshly imported wine with Spencer. Making plans. Oh, and finding out about a Typhoon. A typhoon? What? Didn't I get enough rain on Monday night? (see "warm summer rain" entry)

Hmmm... What to do. The typhoon is heading directly for the area where the festival is. Maybe we should wait a day and go up on Friday instead...

20070905: Perfection

A friend just got back from her 10 day sit and was finding herself in a place of disappointment over how she hasn't been sitting as much and how it was harder than the first. I found myself noticing the perfection of the experience, and sent this her way:

How perfect your experience it. It is the very example of how you can choose equanimity in each moment. It is the perfect example of it all, actually. Relax into it sister. In a sense, you have both already failed and already succeeded. Now that you have done both, you can just sit back and witness the experience... Even now... With ease and gratitude.

Guy said something to me in a session which is perfect: this is the healing — right not. The crying? That was the healing! The struggle? That also is the healing! You returning to the practice is the practice... Is the healing.

Also, I remind you about the through time nature of your reality and life. You are looking for some permanent shift from a single 10 days. And that comes in very small pieces. It is a gradual thing so as long as you focus on the gradual nature of it, you can’t see the bigger picture. Look back 1 year, 2, 5... See how much more rich your life, experience, skills and mastery are. Even now I’m sure you’re offering yourself more grace, more compassion... More acceptance...

:)

20070904: Transformation at Shrines

After escaping the love hotel and accompanying Spencer on his research adventure at the travel agent, we headed toward Kyoto, stopping to watch Transformers in English with Japanese subtitles. It was interesting to see the movie again (the third time, actually) in a foreign country.


There is a line in the movie, which if you've seen a preview you've already seen, about the autobots being really advanced robots -- Japanese models. No laughter in the Japanese theatre. In the US, having seen it twice, I can say there was a lot more laughter -- both in that part of the movie as well as other spots. Alas, not here.


Seating was interesting -- assigned seats and you get to pick them with the counter agent when you buy your ticket. Wow.

After leaving and heading back to Kyoto, Spencer went off to work and I found my way to two shrines. One of them was fairly large where I watched a woman make the rounds to the little stops in the courtyard. I thought it would be interesting to model how she did the ritual, so I did, to a degree. Mom asked me to light incense at a shrine -- partly joking I'm sure -- to
help them sell their house in New York so they can move to their new home. So I did.

Meanwhile, the whole while, I was listening to Seal's song, "Love's Divine" inspiring various thoughts about my own transformation, self perception, molting, emersion... My own divinity.

I replayed the song and danced in the shrine, offering myself to the divine at the temple, realizing that if I'm not here on this planet to dance, I'm not actually sure what I am here for.

I cried, released, expressed, emoted, and in the process, found myself experiencing a wonderful new connection to mySelf. Returning to Spencer's and reconnecting with him later -- how grateful am I he is my teacher as well (a Reverend) -- I noticed how I felt myself coming into balance in the shrine, allowing myself to release the stresses and tensions of months of
pressure, mishap and challenge around PoiGeek and the Temple, around not taking as much care of my body as I will moving forward, about the imbalance of the speed of my mind and slowness of my body... About how inspired I was to get my bicycle fixed now that I live and work in easy biking distance from each other.

Ah, the gift of Being in the Muck of things.

20070904: Locked into the love hotel

As cool as the love hotel is, the most limiting aspect of it is the fact that once you check in, you can't leave the room unless you are checking out. This meant that when Spencer had to get up and go for class, I had to go with him... To late to figure that out, he missed class, we slept in, and then were late getting out of the room.

Of course, the Love Hotel is designed for you to have a "rest" -- a 30 minute use of the space -- or a "stay." We had overstayed our stay, so we had to pay for a rest on top of that. :(

Still worth it though, for 15,600 Yen for the room and only 1,320 more Yen for the rest.

20070904: The Love Shack is a little old place...

In Japan, I've been told the children live with their parents until they marry. This could mean that at 35 you'd still be shacked up with Mom and Pop. Let's say you have a partner and you want some private alone time. What do you do then?

Love Hotels. How cool. They are themed hotels that only allow male/female couples -- not two men, not two women and not you alone. Have a fantasy about Sailor Moon? Hello Kitty? I've heard they have love hotels for just this thing.

In fitting with our theme of wetness for the night (see the entry on "Warm Summer Rain"), we went to the Water Hotel, a really beautiful love hotel in Osaka.

First, we go into the hotel and there is no one there to check us in. You go to a kiosk and select a room, get a receipt and walk to the room. Then you pay - cash -- at the door.


Once inside this lovely place, there was a console with about 20 buttons on it to control various lighting settings, the karaoke machine, television, AC and music. Next to the bed is what can only be considered the Mini-bar of sex toys. Yup, dildos, vibrators, lube and various accoutrements one might use for sexual play. Even free condoms on the nightstand that, in English, said "Family Planning."

Now the theme of our little love shack was water. And we had one of the upper mid-tier priced rooms, so it was pretty nice. Our bathroom? Equipped with a Jacuzzi, steam room, sitting bench and foot bath as well as a massage area and showers.

In the bathroom, a full 6 step set of instructions, lotions, potions and assorted smelly things for a fragrant refreshing bath. After a long day and night and running about, a steam sauna Jacuzzi was in order for me. MMmmmm.

20070904: Clubbing

After braving the rain, we decided to go to a club. We arrived at the Grand Café (?) which is more like a large bar lounge with a small dance area than a club. The 500 Yen cover charge included a drink ticket each, which, really, is quite a deal considering you could easily pay that alone for the drink.

I stuck to water and let Spencer grab my ticket with his while we hung out. Shortly after arriving, a friendly young Asian guy introduced himself to us. He was part of the group of people which comprised about 60% of the people at the club.

Feeling a little cold from the air conditioning on my wet cloths and hearing the music in the other room, I decided I wanted to dance. We headed into the room with the dance floor where I pushed a few of the tables which occupied the dance floor out of my way and I busted out my poi. Other than the security guard, guy behind the food bar and the dj's, we were about the only ones in there.

Squish, squish, squish went my shoes as I slipped on the floor, oggs lit up, and began to shake it to the music. This drew some attention and the group of kids joined us from the lounge on the dance floor.

In no time, I found myself happily dancing with this beautiful asian woman and I realized that dancing knows no language barrier and speaks to people in a universal way that allowed us an hour of dancing filled with lots of smiles and good fun, seemingly for us both.

As we're on the dance floor, suddenly a spray of white stuff comes down -- the illusion of snow I think was the intention. Except, well, I think it was soap. So there I was with socks that were soaked in sneakers that sloshed as I moved dancing on a nice smooth dance floor which was covered in wet soapy water.

Maybe it's their way of keeping the floors cleaner...

September 4: Multiculturalism in the Book store

i have been saying su me ma sen -- or trying to.
it helps.
i had a cool multicultural experience with that.
it means excuse me/pardon me for putting you out -- that sort of thing.
i was in the bookstore yesterday and this girl and i almost bumped into each other.


at the exact same time, she said, "I'm sorry" and i said, "Su me mi sen" -- it was a cool moment

20070903: Warm Summer Rain

Last month when Hunter and I had a gig out in Discovery Bay (see entry for "Fire Dancers Stuck in the fire") and were enjoying the warm summer evening air, we got to talking with Audree (who was our safety for the night) about how our experience on the east coast was so different weather wise. In San Francisco, you rarely experience a warm summer night because the warm air from the Central Valley in the day time sucks the cool air in off the Pacific Ocean, creating the fog which leads to the ever famous expression about "The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco" or something about that.

At the time, I said I missed standing in warm summer rains and enjoying being able to get wet and not be cold and feel refreshed. Well... I feel complete with that at this point!

As Spencer and I darted off to catch the train and try to meet his friend (ag! We were late!) at OCAT in Osaka, it started to drizzel. Riding the bikes down the back streets on the way to the urban parts of Kyoto so we could catch the train to Umeda, I found myself smiling and enjoying the rain as it cooled me off. The night was hot an dmuggy and the rain was welcome,
especially in the breeze of the bike.

Arriving in Osaka, it was still drizzling. No problem... It felt good.

Soon enough, however, we were experiencing a full on rain. I'm not talking about one of those weak-willed-can't-assert itself sort of San Francisco rains. I'm talking the kind of rain that got your shoes so wet your feet were soaked and the shoes made sloshing sounds as you walked. So wet, I thought, "Wow, I'd be concerned this was a hurricane or something if it were even a little windy." So wet, as I walked behind Spencer, I noticed his jeans were wet almost all the way up to his knees.

I've got my fill of warm summer rains, for now. ;)

20070903: Having a (Silver) Ball

OCAT -- Osaka City Air Terminal -- is a Penn Station sort of place. All manner of public transit converge there and
there's shops and places to grab food along the way.

Outside is a pretty awesome and beautiful metal sculpture. It's a few arches, sort of symmetrically laid out that rise over a story high representing the path of a bouncing ball with a silver ball on the ground in between them. The silver ball is probably over 3 feet high.

We were going to meet Emily here but due to my slowness, we were late - sorry Emily!!! :( But, when we got there a group of maybe 25 urban dancers -- break dancing, pop and lock and vogue style -- the sort of thing you might see in "Step Up" or possibly "Rize" -- were hanging out practicing. Wow. What a site.

I saw some amazing artistry there, including one guy who did a 360 turn (in the air) starting from his hands, pushed up into the air (fully leaving the ground) from one hand, turning in the air and landing on the other hand to complete the turn. Think
Mitch Gaylord meeting the best break beat dancer you've seen -- gymnastic dance. AWESOME!

Thanks to Spencer, I found myself super inspired and, after seeing a rather large roach on the ground and thinking, "hmm, wonder how many thousands are under ground..." I got to work and did a dance of my own. Ah, how I love playing with my 2 balls and string. . .

20070903: Arashiyama

One of the reasons Spencer choose to move to Kyoto when he went to Japan was for the way in which that city represents the history of Japan. Another reason is the natural splendor of the area, represented with awes inspiring beauty in Arashiyama. Bike riding for the first time in at least 2 years (I don't seem to do it much except at Burning Man), we trekked out to the little town pretty late in the afternoon, getting there when the shops were closing.

Not to worry, we arrived at the Togetsukyo Bridge and ... Wow. Breathtaking. The beauty of the small waterfall, the serenity, the sense of the amazing ancient feeling of it. The greenery. Set at the base of a large mountain range in a valley, I found myself overjoyed to witness the beauty of it... To the point of tears.

The whole area was amazing, well kept and quite beautiful. Even the train station was done up with an amazing entry way, lovely water tanks and bamboo everywhere. It was a little haven inside, beautiful as it was, and simply a train station!

We walked along the water to discover a festival the night before we'd seen an ad for. Of course, festival maybe is a bit of an overstatement. It seemed a bit more like a ritual of some sort. There were boats on the water with 2 men, a woman and a small group of what appeared to be ducks or geese. The ducks were on some sort of leash in front of the boat and over the ducks were these burning baskets of wood... Embers shooting out toward the ducks.

On the water were 4 boats full of people watching the "event." Later, as the boats with the fire pots pulled away, I saw the ducks sitting on the boat near the woman. Fascinating experience, really.

And one of my favorite things to do this afternoon was shoot a photo of one of Audree's bags made by dutchy with the tag on and everything. This photo of spencer and this beautiful and spacious Rose Clutch combination wallet and clutch -- big enough even to fit my phone as well as money, oversized business cards, pen, id and more receipts than one person should be carrying -- was taken out side the really beautiful train station.

20070903: Sushi

Oh my did we have a good lunch. For less than $20, we ate copious amounts of really good sushi for lunch. This was my first really good meal since I arrived and I was grateful to be enjoying it. Where did the food come from? Yup, the grocery store. Coo, eh?

20070902: Kyoto by night

Spencer's such an excellent tour guide! He gives amazing instructions, clear information and along with it, cultural tidbits to make the stay so pleasant you'd think you had your own personal tour guide. Oh, wait, he was that. ;)

He took me on the street car into Saiin where we went to a restaurant that had what seemed a lot like Japanese tapas for dinner. Interesting experience. You take off your shoes -- it's cleaner they think (or at least that's what I've gathered) and then if you want to go to the bathroom you put on these slippers that other people have used before you. How is that more sanitary?

Anyway, after dinner, we took the subway into the central part of Kyotot and went to a main strip near some night clubs. I saw this guy who had the coolest haircut I have seen in a long time. He had some asymmetric carvings in the hair in the right and back of his head. At first when I commented to him, he sort of just gave me this blasé look like an American might go, "been there done that." Then he did a double take and he and all his friends looks at me and said, "Coo" -- dropped "L" and all -- while they gave me the thumbs up.

We walked down the street and found a bridge over water where we shared a clove cigarette. And then I just had to bust out and do a dance. Lighting up the oggs drew a small crowd of mostly young (20 ish?) men. They stopped and chatted with Spencer while I danced. He started telling them I was his Sensei and that I was famous, so I got asked for my autograph by one of them who took a great picture of me, a copy of which I wish I could have gotten. Fun, silly times, to be sure.

We headed back, seeing the guy with the carved hair again -- this time he was all smiles and stares, thumbs up and more "Coo" as we walked by.

In keeping with the rest of the night, we barely made the last train, then barely made the last street car on the way home -- here I was on vacation being rushed around. But I was grateful we got on the last train because that would have been a long walk home and I had not gotten nearly enough sleep for that!

20070901: I'm in the State of Confusion

I can't quite recall when the last time I got sleep was. I think it was Wednesday night for about 5 hours, waking at 11 am on Thursday. Sean and I were up all night that night and then I got on the plane on Friday the 31st.
At that point, I had a nap, the deepest sleep I'd had in days, for about 90 minutes. Then my neck hurt and I couldn't sleep.

When I landed in Japan is was almost 4 pm the next day, even though it was only about 11 hours later. Passing the international date line -- what a trip! So there I was, up for the better part of 31 hours landing in Japan with more luggage than one person should have. Of course, 1/3 of my rolling cart was poi gear, and most of the rest was costumes -- I mean, how could I go to Japan and not be decked out GlitterGirl style? :)

Slowly making my way through the airport, I found my way to meet up with my good friend, teacher, student and an amazing being in his own right, Spencer, who lives in Japan teaching English while he's studying Aikido. Very East meets West sort of being who inspires me in his journey of self evolution.

I realized though, after my first poi dance at Uzumasa station: I had left the state of California and found myself in the state of confusion... Nearly half way around the world.

20070831: Fly like an Eagle...

On the plane, I got up, stretched, and feeling really tight, had these two women commenting to me about how amazing the stretch was -- I figure they weren't from California and didn't do yoga. ;)

Feeling like I was on a vision quest on the plane and consciously going into this journey to Japan with the idea that I'd shed the weights of my past -- habits, self images, self deceptions, mis conceptions, lack of faith, lack of self belief -- I know I was exuding something different. This lovely flight attendant commented to me about it saying there was something very electric about me. At another time, I might have thought it was just my hair or fabulous new coat. But this time I knew it was a difference in the way I was Being, carrying myself and owning what I have done in this world and even more, what I am capable of still accomplishing.

August 31, 2007: Unveiling the site!

While it is still under construction, we can finally say the PoiGeek web site is live... mostly. yeah! the final frontier before leaving for Japan later today. :)

August 27: PoiGeek Announces Plans

PoiGeek announced on August 27, 2007 their plan to launch the alpha release of PoiGeek.com in early October, 2007. PoiGeek is the first poi education web site offering structured lessons available in 4 digital formats: Portable device – perfect for your iPod, web streaming, high definition and even DVD options. The alpha release of the site will feature 4 “courses” – a collection of 10 interrelated lessons – created by PoiGeek co-founder and Temple of Poi founder, Isa GlitterGirl Isaacs.

“We’ll present these 4 modules to whet people’s appetite and give them a taste of what is to come,” said Isa’s partner, Sean Gies. Sean partnered with Isa after investing time in his own poi practice while working his day job at Apple working on software for the newly released iPhone product.

PoiGeek plans to launch it’s alpha version with a sparse 4 modules totaling only 40 moves in October. By the January beta launch the site will have grown to 10 modules with an anticipated 15+ modules by their official unveiling in the first quarter of 2008. In addition, PoiGeek is inviting instructors world wide to also host their courses on the site.

“We’re creating a forum for education to flow from any one to anywhere with a consistent commitment to quality of both presentation and content. At the same time, we’re encouraging students to invest in their education at easily affordable tuition rates,” said Isa, referring to PoiGeek’s pricing structure where lessons are available for as little as $1 each.

Teaser Video for Poi Course: The Snail Turn Around

And if you want a shorter version, here you go! :)

Trailer Video for Poi Course: The Snail Turn Around

Check out this trailer for the Snail Course, available this fall on PoiGeek.

August 23, 2007: Our first PoiGeek video

Sean and I have been busting ass to get a demo for the upcoming Japan trip. It's been challenging -- one unexpected challenge after another. We finally have our first of many videos to come available on YouTube as a promo piece which will be included in the promo materials for the JFF folks. Exciting!!!! :)

August 17: 4 Things You Can Not Recover

August 16: the thick of things...

It sucks to be in the muck of it all sometimes. Except that the real gifts in life seem to come from stepping through that space and finding a deeper, richer, better part of ourselves in the process.

August 15, 2007: human accomplishment...

Most human accomplishment is not the result of decisive actions or moments of truth. No, persistence -- even, simple-minded persistence -- is the source of the best of what we do, of real change.
~ Paul Chadwick ~

August 14, 2007: Rumi

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
- Rumi

August 6, 2007: You done good, Ma!

You done good Ma. I’m changing the world, if only on a “small” scale right now (over 1030 students so far and growing). I have done the thing you and dad advised against — when I was young I wanted to be both an engineer and a teacher and unintentionally, I have become both. I combined that with self expression, artistry and meditation as well as entrepreneurialship and voila — here I am 5 years later, world renown, running the premier poi fire/flow dancing school that has been around the longest and, to the best of my knowledge, the only full time one around in the world today.

You undeniably made me who I am — in all the ways you encouraged and discouraged me. All the ways I fought you taught me; all the ways I listened to you taught me as well.

I feel grateful that you’re my Mother. You’re an amazing woman who is a ground breaking individual in her own right. I hope you know that is how I hold you in the world. You often inspire me.

I hope when you think of me you’re not too embarrassed by how weird/unusual I am. When I tell you that it is a gift in more people’s lives than you could count, I mean it. I have countless stories of how the mindset of and the school has changed people’s lives (have you ever read the Flowology Mindset?). One of my favorites is about how one of my students walked into her synchronized swim team meeting and one of her teammates who didn’t know about the Temple from her found the mindset on line and printed it out, asking the coach of the team to use it as a guideline for how they all played together. How cool is that to be putting it out on the internet and have some random person ask another person to use it as the official team philosophy?

I guess my point in all of this is that as I’ve written my will, I’ve reflected on all the times where we have not always seen eye to eye. Despite it all and in many ways because of it, I am who I am and where I am. Your clear and undeniable contribution to me being who I am spreads through the world as my work avails itself to more and more clients each day.

So I thank you for the gift it has been for me both in my own life and in the way I get to share it with other’s in their lives.

I imagine in the great ether of the universe we (the soul) may choose the parents whose lives we come into. I wonder why I choose (if in fact that happened) you and Dad sometimes — I often feel like my relationship with the family makes no sense.

But when I look at it through the eyes of the clarity of my work ethic, commitment to excellence, strength of will, leadership capabilities, brilliant mind, cognitive development, reasoning skills and the profound sense that it doesn’t matter what stands in my way I will make it happen, I’m clear much of that in me is a result of who and how you and Dad have been in my life.

So thanks. Which seems like such a small thing to say in response to all you’ve given to me. But sometimes appreciation, even this small, means something. And I wanted you to have that since hey, one never knows when the end will come.

Love love love!
The daughter (formerly known as) Lisa. :)

August 6: What is love?

I find this line of inquiry interesting. In my own experience for my world of “romance,” I question what the difference is between friends who have sex and romance. Romance seems like a consciously (at least where I'm coming from today) created game people play with each other in an effort to woo the other person... Wooing them for what is where the game lies I think. Don’t we do that with friends though, just to a lesser degree?

For me intimate relating comes down to love. Interestingly enough, I generally walk through the world and feel love for everyone. I modeled this out when I was 15 or so, though there are some updates as I write it now. I’ve thought of love as degrees of experience of love — from least to most:

hate (loving the life in a way such that one is closed to them, often from fear, disappointment, judgment, disapproval, disdain for their actions)

universal love (love of life and all things that are alive)

acquaintance love (those you’ve met and have more connection with than someone you haven’t)

familial/obligatory love (“those you should love”) which is not always to say that they are loved at that level — can be loved at a higher or lower level

student/teacher love – love of the dynamic that creates learning between you and another as you learn (as both student and teacher) and grow from the experience

friendship love — this has infinite gradients, really. I described it then as this thing where if you have a set of criteria in X domains (ways you value a person showing up be it in common values, hobbies, skills, ways of being, approach to the world and whatever else), a friend is someone who meets Y percent overall of your criteria (back then for me it was 80%); good friend meets Y+some %; best friend meets good friend + some %; etc.

kindred spirit love – is a new one for me over recent years and is what I think at 15 I felt was romantic love, so i’m replacing that spot in the model with a different name for it. For me, it is this place where we meet people who reflect us in ways such that we feel met at a level that almost feels “destined” -- and in a sense, touches into the unknown and indescribable sense of the mystery of love. I have experienced this in the context of “soul contracts” with another — a sense that our souls met in the great Kosmic nothingness and we made a contract to partner in these bodies in this life on this earth. This love, I have noticed, has us make non-rational choices because the draw of the “soul contract” trumps rationality which, for me, explains the completely non-rational aspects of looking in someone’s eyes and just falling into love with them. I think when this happens, there is a soul contract there.

At the time, I thought of “in love with” as the pinnacle of it all. In the last 5-7 years I evolved that thinking into the endless opening to the person, again and again, for who they are, as they are. Even if you “fall out of love,” which you can can do when you are closing, you can also “fall back in love with them” and this can vary moment to moment throughout the day/week/month/year/lifetime of the relationship. The depth of “in love” is about ones willingness to surrender into the truth of the being and i’ve noticed that even if I thought I was “as in love with someone as I could be,” as my capacities and self awareness increase, so does my ability to be more in love with someone.

Also, I could be in love with the man on the street I don’t know by accepting him fully as he is and allowing myself to be open to him even if I have no desire to draw him into a “higher” level of love. I dare say though the closer to kindred spirit love one experiences another, the more likely one is to be in love with them because the nature of being met (at least as I have experienced it in the world) has beings open to Other.

This was probably the first model I ever distinguished, now that I think about it. And I realize now that it is holonic in nature in my experience.

I also realize my experience of love is whacked by most people’s standards. This model explains why polyamory (and in a sense, polysexuality) have been so easy for me to embrace in my life -- I think because I can literally walk through my life being “in love” with everyone. This is a confusing experience to have when so many people reserve that term and limit who they will be in love with when in my world, I am most healthy when I feel in love with all things because I operate at a different vibration in the world. For me, this is the altered state of flow and when I access that space, I know only openness and love and I am at my best.

Anyone I call a good friend I have had at least one moment of being in love with them. And for me, if I’ve been in love with someone, I would consider being sexually involved with them — why wouldn’t I want to share that level of intimacy with them as well as all the others? Hence the boundary-less-ness of my (bi or should I say Try)sexuality because my sexual attraction to a being is directly derived from my love for them which is immediately informed by my openness to them in combination with the overlaps described in the model above. I notice that I see people’s spirit when I look at them (which is also what I see when I look in the mirror) so people’s physical form doesn’t really impact my sexual attraction. There is, often, a high correlations between someone’s own love of themselves and health and how they look physically, but it is incidental to and not what draws me to people or to be attracted to them sexually.

Hence romance doesn’t make much sense to me as romance seems like a construct for limiting relating, seeing as it is often about singling out people to be romantic with, rather than expanding it. For me. Hence my confusion about interacting in that context with people. :D

August 4, 2007: fire dancers stuck in the fire

I was on my way to a gig and we got caught in a fire -- rather there was a fire and traffic was stopped and the road was closed. We had to turn around and go back. That was fun and interesting.

I've never seen a natural fire that big before. Beautiful experience. And really humbling too. It was clear the fire had traveled pretty far because we could see where the fire department had put out the fire and where it was still moving.

It was so big. Made The Man burning look small. Very small. Very pale.

July 30: On the Radio!

I love technology! I love that I can sit in my bed naked and be on a talk show with a woman who is 2500 miles away, perhaps even sitting in her own home and that anyone on the web can listen to it! How awesome is that?

archive here:
http://blogtalkradio.com/coachkradio

July 21: Filming

I so love my life. I made this cool costume where the trim cost more than the clothes. I get to roll around in the dirt and play wth fire... ah, yes, there I go doing things I "shouldn't" be doing... hee hee...

June 23: Putting out at O'Hare

On my way to Liz and Devin's wedding. Sean will be here soon. I'm wearing the shirt the fire safety team wore for the 2007 Temple of Poi Fire Dancing Expo... well, modified a little. Should I put beads on it and make it really silly? Tamale said she won't be seen with me wearing that. Hmmm...

April 30: Flow Journal

- inverted thread the needle (mike)
- inside weave (noel)
- 1.5 weave
- pendulum weave
- tangle
- hyperloop
- airwrap
- inverted weave
- infinite weave
- split time flower 2x1 big/little petal
- hybrid antispin butterfly
- uhs bfly with lockout on side in split time.

April 29: Temple of Poi 2007 Fire Dancing Expo

A grand success, even if I did set my costume on fire. Ironically, none of the beginners did it but a bunch of the pros did. . .

April 28: GlitterGirl and Fire Friends on KRON TV

My second television experience! :)

April 7: Journey

I liked this. Speaks to the journey over the destination.


What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become
by achieving your goals.
~ Zig Zigler ~

March 14: Voices

The more faithfully you listen to the voice within you, the better you will hear what is happening outside.
~ Dag Hammarskjöld ~

March 9: Michael Crichton

We all can work ourselves into a hysterical panic over possibilities that we won't look at. What if I have cancer? What if my job is at risk? What if my kids are on drugs? What if I'm getting bald? What if I am faced with some terrible thing that I don't know how to deal with? And that hysteria always goes away the instant we are willing to hear the answer. Even if the answer is what we feared all along. Yes, you have cancer. Yes, your kids are on drugs. Hysteria accompanies an unwillingness to look at what is really going on; it promotes an unwillingness to look. We feel we are afraid to look, when actually it is not-looking that makes us afraid. The minute we look, we cease being afraid.
~ Michael Crichton, Travels ~

March 2: Going to DC

I love my new MacBook Pro...

February 24: Wisdom

I'd like to share a little about _Wisdom_, as I understand it just now. Perhaps it will give you joy in some way -- I imagine especially those who have done Arete.

I have for years considered doing Arete. First, because of a completion party I was at (also my first professionally paid fire dancing gig) at which I met Travis. At the party, Marcella came up to me and said something that I would categorize now as poignantly honest. It was some insight about my social awkwardness and it was delivered with such innocence and love, it really made me curious about the Arete experience. You see, Marcella was answering my question about Arete, "What is it?"

Bryan did it, then Travis. Then a series of people I really respect and love. Then I felt pressured to do it. Then I felt judged at some point -- I'm sure it was my hallucination. Then I felt on the outside. Then I wasn't hanging out with so many folks in the Arete community. Then I returned to see many from that community who thought I had done it.

I've had an interesting relationship with attending and not attending for at least 5 years now. What strikes me about it is the idea of "being open" and what that means.

My greatest sense of openness shows up for me when I play with flow toys. Over the years, I've been integrating that flow into the rest of my life, working towards greater openness... Sensing that was better for me somehow but not really knowing why.

The past 36 hours has been fairly packed and intense for me. It included having the great pleasure of celebrating the inspirational life of a dear friend as well as the amazing gift of educating a 14 year young woman who flew in with her uncle to take a poi intensive with me.

The experiences was touching and concluded with me getting to witness Aria perform a little piece of choreography, most of which she couldn't do 36 hours ago. Then her uncle Joey gave me a gift.

It was wrapped in brown paper with GlitterGirl written on it and there was a heart over the "I" -- I was touched by that because I just decided how to sign "isa" on paper in the past few weeks: I am putting a heart as the "dot" on the "I".

I walked out of the building with the beautiful gift and got swept up into a hilarious series of misunderstandings with a good friend resulting in the expected expenditure of about $50. I thought that was a bummer.

Yet I maintained a good spirit, stayed in my center pretty well (at least by self-to-self comparison) and, to my great joy, remained _open_. I found my way home finally and kicked back to open the gift.

It is a beautiful book called Wisdom: 365 Thoughts from Indian Masters by Danielle and Olivier Foolmi.

I didn't notice at first, but there was a very beautiful thank you note and tip inside the book on the page with today's date on it. The amount? $50. Perfection I thought.

And then it got better. I sat there reading some of the quotes, thinking how awesome Joey was and reflecting on the craziness of the last 36 hours of my life.

Then I intentionally made myself open -- for the first time in my life I recall feeling completely at choice about my ability to open, particularly in the face of lots of things that in the past would have had me close.

Because of this, my understanding of openness has completely shifted... I realized it as I was reading a passage ("In nature, action and reaction are continuous. Everything is connected to everything else. No one part, nothing, is isolated. Everything is linked and interdependent. Everywhere everything is connected to everything else. Each question receives the correct answer" - Svami Prajnanpad) of _Wisdom_:

Being able to choose openness in every moment is freedom.

It is the freedom to choose to remain open when I might otherwise unconsciously close. I imagine it must be enlightenment.

I also can see so clearly so many ways in which I resist opening -- like resisting Arete for so long. . . which I am grateful I will be doing in May.

February 19: KRNV TV Appearance

KRNV reporter Adriana Banovich covers the surge of poi fire dancing in the Reno, NV area, featuring Reno's premier poi troupe, Controlled Burn with supporting audio from moi, Temple of Poi founder, Isa "GlitterGirl' Isaacs and footage of Hunter and I from the Temple of Poi 2006 Fire Dancing Expo. My first television appearance! whoo hoo!

February 14: Try...

"Try everything twice -- the first time might have been a fluke" - Mom

February 5: Perfection...

The true perfection of man lies, not in what man has, but in what man is....Nothing should be able to harm a man but himself....What is outside of him should be a matter of no importance.
~ Oscar Wilde ~

February 5: Right Answer

By the time the average person finishes college he or she will have taken over 2,600 tests, quizzes and exams. The 'right answer' approach becomes deeply ingrained in our thinking. Life is ambiguous; there are many right answers-all depending on what you are looking for. But if you think there is only one right answer, then you'll stop looking as soon as you find one.
~ Roger von Oech ~

WWYD?

How would you feel if you friend told you they just tested HIV+?

January 1: Happy 2007

I had a fascinating new year's eve. I had a gig that I accepted for less money than I would normally require. Why? Ultimately, because of my (unfounded) fear of not being able to pay my rent.

I arrived at the site and within minutes fell in a construction ditch (about a 4-5 foot blind drop -- didn't see the hole because it was dark) while surveying the performance area on the other side of the construction zone. The client led us there, in case you're wondering.

I sprained my finger (and put more pressure on the finger I had two days earlier dislocated in practice for a show I'm doing) and sustains some bruises and abrasions on my rather ample butt. Apart from that, I walked away from the accident laughing about it. It was, objectively, funny even if my subjective experience included injury, pain and discomfort. Surveying the situation, I consider myself lucky in that I could have fallen onto some rebar or broken my leg or twisted my ankle and had some really serious injuries.

Anyway, the client hadn't provided an appropriate area for managing our fuel and set us up in the neighbors driveway -- fairly close to the ditch I fell in with the performance area just on the other side of that. The neighbor was understandably upset and confronted us -- he was not pleased we had fuel in his lot near wood and was naturally concerned that an accident might lead to a fire. So after setting up and getting everything ready for our first performance (this means soaking all our tools which we'd passed through the construction area to our safety person), we had to pack up our gear and move
it to the sidewalk in the front of the house.

By this point, we'd missed the performance window -- we were supposed to go on for our first set before midnight but the delays made this impossible. Some time later we performed our first set using live music rather than the music I had spent 5 hours editing for our intended show. The tools wouldn't light well at that point. Why? The fuel had evaporated because we'd been waiting so long.

Our second set was more of the same, with the client refusing to tell the DJ to play our music when the DJ wouldn't do so. During the second set, I slipped on the carpet outside -- a wet green leaf got under my shoe. I'm told I made it look like a break dancing move. Not bad for a sore girl with swollen fingers and a bruised bottom. ;)

While we did not perform the show we'd intended, we did perform an amazing show and earned ~15% tip from the client.

In the 5 years I have been a professional fire dancer I have never had a client fail to meet so many of the agreements of our contract nor have I had an experience laden with so many difficulties.

Upon reflection, it seems like a blessed experience. Those who witnessed my first fall indicated they were concerned they would be transporting me to SF General -- not just the client, but the other dancers and witnesses present. I then performed two fabulous sets in the face of all sorts of opposition and earned a tip from the client.

I imagine 10 years ago I might have looked at this experience as a sign that the new year would be fraught with challenges -- a "bad sign" about the things to come.

Now, thankfully, my world is different. I was inspired becayse as we were leaving the venue, one witness went so far as to say I must be a special being to be able to walk away laughing from something like that when I could have ended up injured in the hospital, let alone performing the way I had.

I am grateful to say it seems more natural for me to view this event as a sign that the new year will be filled with the ability to flow through challenges and walk away with a smile on my face, laughter in my voice, and abundance in my pocket... even in the face of obstacles that quite literally will drag me down than the less positive perspective I might have had 10
years ago.

What I learned I offer you now as follows:

May 2007 bring you all you desire, including the resources to laugh when you are down, the strength to pick yourself up and keep going in the face of that which you hadn't planned being foist upon you, the will to move through the pain that can sometimes stop you in your tracks and the capacity to remind yourself just how great a joy all that you have really is.

RamHawk: Blue Spiral

Temple of Poi performed today in Union Square. What an honor to once again get to support the San Francisco Food Bank's Canned Food Drive! We also sold copies of the Temple of Poi 2006 Fire Dancing Expo DVD and donated a portion of the sales proceeds to the Food Bank as part of our contribution to the beautiful work they do.

Working with students was really fun for this event despite the sound challenges we had, as is evident in Sarah and Devon's piece. Considering all the sound challenges, they did a super amazing job! I am proud to have contributed in any way to their success and humbled by the professionalism they had while performing.

I may not believe in astrology, but…

In the early part of the decade I spent a lot more time out in the late night dance scene. At one point, I was actually out there working at parties, including working the door of one party for a little bit of cash. I had been there a short while – it was early in the night – and I had gotten into a great conversation with the bouncer. We had been talking for about 10 minutes when he asked me what my astrology was. I said to him I was an Aires. Then he asked me my Chinese astrology and I told him I was year of the Rooster.

I don’t really believe in astrology – how can a bunch of stars actually predict who I am and what I’ll be? And, I often find the lessons presented in astrology have powerful parables which we humans can gain from, if we look for how the messages are true for us in that moment.

Given my beliefs, I was surprised when the bouncer spoke the most accurate one sentence summary of me based on those two piece of information. He said, “Oh, so you’re a ram-cock: a strong yet squishy forward moving object that likes to get into stuff.”

My haircut is in honor of those traits.

Start Again

What I got out of this silence was a gift I never could have gotten had I gone to North Fork: anchors in my own home to my own unrelenting ability to sit with myself and ignore soooooo many distractions. For me, breaking the silence began first when Hunter called me and I answered the phone. Hearing my own voice was bizarre – I hardly recognized the sound outside my head, but more than that, using my vocal cords felt funny.

I think coming back into my voice took a good 1.5 days. Food, on the other hand, took quite a bit less time and I found myself eating chicken soup on the first day. Eating was in fact weird for quite a few days and I was grateful to have taken the 10 days to reset my relationship to food.

Day 10: Because Evolution is What Separates us from the Monkeys

For years I’ve been hearing about Ken Wilber’s work, integral thinking and his AQAL model. During the last 3 days of my sit I listened to his Kosmic Consciousness audio product which I highly recommend. It was as if, for me, years of things I sort of understood all clicked into place and suddenly the world made a whole lot more sense. More than that, it was as if I was suddenly able to see myself in ways I had never understood before and my whole journey took on more meaning as I began to see my own evolutionary process unfold within the context of his model and those he cited. It was a beautiful experience and a fine way to end the 10 days of silence.

Day 9: The Unexpected: Part II

On Monday, I had one of the best opportunities to notice my sensations as fear arises. As I was sitting, I heard noises at my front door. After living at my residence for nearly 3 years, I’m fairly familiar with the sounds made on the front steps of the house, so when the sound of the front gate opening during the day happened, I wasn’t really particularly surprised as I have 3 neighbors downstairs. What followed were the sounds of noises that sounded a lot like a key in my front door and scratches on the glass of the door. As I was sitting, a bevy of thoughts ran through my head: Is this a friend who is simply messing with my head, knowing I’m doing a sit at home? Is this someone breaking in? Would I just sit and be with my experience or get up if a burglar really came into my home?

I actually thought perhaps the most empowering thing I could do was remain unmoved, simply noticing my sensations if in fact someone was in my home to steal. I tried to imagine what they might feel like watching someone sitting there all zen’d out while they were trying to rob the place. I had fantasies of them turning around and leaving without touching anything after noticing me sitting there. I also had visions of them killing me while I was sitting noticing my sensations. I wondered if in fact that would be an enlightened moment.

As it turned out, the noises and person went away, the gate slammed closed and no one came in, though there was a repeat of the sounds about 15 minutes later with the same outcome.

Day 8: The Unexpected: Part I

Relieved to have access to my email – amazing my attachment to it, really – I found myself really moved on Thanksgiving day by all the people who decided to contact me and send me wonderful messages of gratitude. Having my original time piece stop working and having to use my phone to time my sits, it was perhaps the hardest day of all to remain silent since I received so many text pages and calls.

I hadn’t accounted for the response I might have and my own desire to contact people. I had no idea how so many messages of gratitude would impact my experience, though I was, in fact, quite grateful for my own experience at that point. Perhaps the most unexpected communication came from my friend Dan who sent me an email (it was simple but effective) articulating that he was grateful for me in his life. Given that Dan and I had rarely spent any time together socially I was pretty moved by the experience. What a gift…

Day 7: I just want to eat a big red steak

After not chewing for 7 days, I simply wanted to chew on a big steak. Nothing else really seemed interesting -- just a nice, juicy, rare, steak. An interesting craving to sit with. Excellent practice. And that was the point of doing them both together for me -- to notice my own cravings around what I put into my body so I could change my relationship to them.

Of course, my craving to write emails was something I just decided to give up on Day 7. From a time perspective, it seemed to just make more sense to write the emails and simply put them into my draft folder. I was also presented with interesting dilemmas about that. One of my students had to miss a rehearsal for family reasons and I wanted to assure her we’d work it out. I assured myself, had I actually gone to North Fork, she would not have gotten a response so really it was okay.

It was like the day someone came and rang my bell. It was actually a little scary because it sounded like someone had gotten in my front gate and was playing with my doorknob. I was in a sit at the time so I got to sit and notice my fear. It happened a second time maybe 15 minutes later. I made up a fun story in my head that one of my friends who knew I was sitting in my home did it to test me. :)

Day 6: I'm sleeping in

My sleep schedule got dramatically off Goenka's plan. I tossed and turned for hours. Shortly after midnight the senna tea was working and I found myself up late on and off the toilet for a few hours. The subsequent burning sensitive being... Invigorating... inspired me to do a 1 hour sit at 2 am. The idea of waking up at 4 am after only going to sleep at 3 am seemed both unhealthy and silly.

I decided I was simply going to sleep in, and sleep in I did -- to 8 am, a time that is still earlier than the time I normally awake at. I sat again, and again and then, at 11 am, I simply decided I was more interested in getting the class I had designed a few days prior out of my head than continuing to just meditate for the second 5 days of my retreat.

So I wrote. 14 pages of 12 point non formatted text to be used as part of the handouts for the new class.

Of course, Vladlen's words were in my head again about wimping out. If I was silent for 10 days and meditated every day, even if I only maintained most of the rigor of Goenka's plan for the first 5 days, was I wimping out? I decided not. I realized at some point early on day 6 that I was being attached to the idea of what the 10 days should look like rather than surrendering and simply letting them arise and pass away naturally. Ah, what relief this was.

Day 5: Walk 100 Laps in my Socks

Solitary confinement is starting to make sense. I'm making a break for it today when I go and move the car - ah, the great outdoors. I haven't been outside since Wednesday and here it is Monday of the following week. Hmmm.

Had I gone to North Fork, I would have been forced to walk from my dorm to the meditation hall to the food hall to my dorm and back and forth between these places a few times. I didn't realize when I set out to do this how much of a break that bit of walking provides. Even if all I did was the necessary walks from one building to another, I would have doubtlessly walked a good 30-45 minutes a day - I'm sure at least a mile a day.

With the lack of exercise this journey afforded, I decided to recreate the walking experience. Determining a lap around my apartment (down the hall, through my bedroom, around the corner of the sunroom, through the kitchen, through the living room and back out into the hall) was approximately 52 feet and vaguely recalling a mile was something in the 5200 feet range, I figured 100 laps would do a mile pretty well. I had to laugh at that though... is it really in the spirit of this journey?