Fire Dancing In Union Square - I Am Not My Hair

December 11, as part of the San Francisco Food Bank's Canned Food Drive!

I am not my hair... and...

So here I am looking in the mirror. I imagine it is somewhat like waking up from plastic surgery. The face I¹ve known my whole adult life is disappearing before my eyes.

Since July, I've lost nearly 40 pounds and it is starting to show up in my face... Or rather, starting to not show up in my face.

It was one thing when I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize my body --- I mean, that's weird enough. And let me tell you, it is weird. It's especially weird now as I'm moving from a "fat" body to a "chubby" body. One of my girlfriends recently described it more or less saying that now I just look like I'm a chubby normal person rather than a not-so-fat fat girl. It's
definitely a different place to be.

But that's not nearly so challenging as waking up and looking in the mirror and my face just plain looking different. I'm not talking wrinkle lines, grey hair or zits or things like that. They are much more gradual and one seemingly has time to acclimate to them.

I'm talking big chunks of my face are seemingly gone. It looks weird when I write it -- but it looks weirder in the mirror. In the last 3 weeks I've ping ponged around in a 7 pound range which I swear all shows up in my face. At the top end of it I look like a different person than the bottom end of it. I'm massively impacted by it and I feel like I'm going crazy.

Did you know that you have fat on your forehead? I mean, I'm not that surprised my jaw looks different -- no more double chin makes sense. I -am- surprised my chin looks different and I notice a different shape to it. I'm not surprised my cheeks look different -- they were pretty full to begin with. But the sallow in my cheeks is a new look and the fact that I see my nose differently because I have less cheeks is just disturbing. But my forehead? I mean, that's a complete shock. I guess maybe it's just a shocking shock where the rest of them are just shocks I hadn't thought would happen but make logical sense at least.

My whole face looks different to me. So now I'm really struggling with looking at myself in the mirror.

Who is that person looking back at me that I don't recognize? I've never seen her before in my life. Not her body. Not her face. And I'm left with a feeling of, "that's not me."

And while I am not my body or my face or my hair or any of that, I do live in that body that owns that face and that hair and all of that is, at best, unfamiliar and feels wrong/off/weird/strange/just not right

Shifting your perspective

Question:How do you boost your expectations with Vitamin Joy so that you are guided to the Highest Vistas imaginable?

Glitter.

I have often thought of the dark part of the experience of life like a piece of black construction paper. Imagine if you will you are looking at the paper and all you see is a vast blackness. You inspect the paper, you look it over and then you tip it just the right way and out of no where, a tiny spec of glitter appears — that hope in the midst of the darkness that almost made it disappear.

Glitter for me is the metaphor of possibility. It is formless and shapeless, meaningless in fact, except for all the meaning I gift it. When I see a spec of glitter, I see the light — it is shinning upon me even in the smallest of ways. That visual reminder of the light is something I look for wherever I can — so putting it on my eyes (and subsequently, it falling on my eyelashes) often colors my life in such a way that when I move through the world, I get that lens flare effect of the light reflecting off the glitter when I look at simple things.

It is such a simple tool... And as a practice I have been engaging in for nearly 10 years, I have found glitter cheers me up like nothing else.

Other more universal ways to find the way back to the light that might be more approachable include:

Baths. They are gloriously refreshing and they can change your toxicity level if you put Epsom salt in the bath with it. Chemical body change just helps.

Adam’s wisdom about meditation has been 100% of the time spot on for me. Even if I don’t have a “good sit” that I am actually doing the sit always makes me feel like I am more on path.

Doing something with my body (or mind, though less so for me these days) that I was not formerly able to do — reminding me of how far I have come and that this journey includes the dark times.

Crying — the shower for the soul.

Dancing — predictably leads to altered states for me and the increase in endorphins is bound to make you feel better, at least for a period of time after

exercise — I at least get the endorphins even if I don’t get the altered state
eating something nutritious – another form of chemical change

creating a nourishing experience that is inspiring — be it a hike, or a meal that I “shouldn’t have” (wrong food, wrong price, too much time, whatever) -- which often includes an element of indulgence
sleep. This is by far the best cure for my negative states. James and I read an article in the paper a few months ago where they said some really high percentage of people don’t sleep enough (I think it was over 60%) and there is scientific evidence of the negative impact on emotional state/resourcefulness. (more chemical state change)

Alone time. Just getting in touch with what is going on often helps.

Perhaps the most difficult practice though also the one that allows things to shift the quickest for me is to be with the experience as fully as I can. The more fully I allow it to arise, the more quickly and fully it passes away. Acknowledging that I am feeling that way, perhaps even being witnessed in those feelings, often allows me the freedom to get messy and go into it in a way that serves my processing.

Surrender into the feelings rather than feeling like I need to combat them. Whoops! I’m feeling like shit again. Damn, I forgot about that part of the journey. Don’t worry, it will get better.

screaming into a pillow

punching my bed

doing an activity which requires a high degree of concentration in a domain that is not related to the upset — like driving my car skillfully through traffic – so I am 100% focused elsewhere for some period of time and can come back to the situation with fresh eyes/perspective

masturbation — always good for a state change which can provide temporary relief and will change your body chemistry as well.

distraction — movie, music, talk, walk.
working really hard — diving into my work so I feel like I’m making progress even if I’m feeling like shit about the process.

taking a day off — so I don’t have to think about anything in particular.

laughter. (more chemical change in the body)

talking to myself.

singing. Especially in the shower.

oming/toning/playing an instrument -- the vibration moves things through.

massage.
talking to one of the cool people in my life — different friends give different support, so I choose who to talk to based on what kind of support I want (commiseration, an ass kicking, sympathy, advice, perspective, witnessing).

Combining as many of the above as necessary to create change and allowing myself all the space I need to have the experience — even if it means all of these things.

Upekka

A friend sent this on an email list I'm on -- it is a meditation to help stay in the center:

You are the owner/heir to your own karma. Your outcome depends on your actions and not my wishes. No matter how I might wish things to be otherwise, things are as they are. Although I wish only the best for you, I also know that your happiness and unhappiness depends upon your actions, not my wishes for you. Whether I understand it or not, things are unfolding for you according to a lawful nature.

This reminded me of a distinction/saying my friends gave me years ago which really helped me on my path, which is
reworded/augmented by me to remind me of my path:

I am me. You are you.
My feelings are my feelings. Your feelings are your feelings.
My experiences are my experiences. Your experiences are your experience.
Your feelings and experiences are not my feelings and experiences. My feelings and experiences are not your feelings and experiences.
I am fully responsible for me; You are fully responsible for you.
My path is to witness without attachment and aversion, knowing I may witness you doing things that make me uncomfortable and I can not do anything about your choices.
I will choose, regardless of my dis/comfort with your actions, from a place of what serves me best which can include sacrifice only if I choose willingly and freely.
The degree to which I can remain in constancy with this knowing will determine, predictably, the degree of my emotional freedom and upset I create for myself in my life.

Cosmic Kiss

May the best of last year be the worst of this year
and may we all say this to,
bear witness to it being so
and
consciously co-create it with each other...
in truth,
as a tribe,
every moment...
of every lifetime
we experience in this dimension...
and all others...
for all time...
always.

Tribe -> Community -> Tribe

Looking back in time, humans organized themselves toward a common purpose of
survival using a hierarchical model sometimes known as tribes. There was a
leader (a chief for example), a healer, a warrior, a cook -- every one had
their place.

Because of the technological stage of development, the tribe had no
opportunity to move toward a vision that was beyond survival. As technology
advance, survival became easier and time more plentiful, we evolved toward
more global thinking. Thus became community as an evolution because the
focal point was in accomplishing something "for the greater good and
furthering of human kind or the planet" or some other lofty ideal.

Community is (or at least to me has seemed) bound by and pulled together to
work collectively toward a single vision which generally does not honor
individual leadership, but rather consensus thinking that mostly muddles the
ability of the group to actually get anything accomplished because it takes
so long to arrive at consensus.

I say we're moving toward -- and the particular tribe on this list
represents it to me -- a resurgence of the idea of hierarchy within a tribe.
So many of us are visionaries and leaders building communities and tribes of
our own yet coming together as a tribe, living the common vision of
supporting each other as individuals in the creation of our own unique
purpose.

So we have moved from needing hierarchy to make things happen in order to
survive (pre-rational tribe) to choosing to come together in service of a
group vision (rational community) to needing reintegrated leadership while
working for a greater good (trans-rational tribe).

It seems like the trans-rational tribe is coming together - each individual
in service of each other being in service of their own individual goals,
within which leadership is rewarded because in each individual accomplishing
their purpose/vision, they are able to help other's learn by bringing their
learning's back to the tribe for other's to integrate; whereas the rational
community comes together in service of a group vision where individuals
often have to acquiesce their goals to remain in service of the group.

The trans-rational tribes transcends and includes.

Permission

The other day I found myself triggered by a friend's choice to, from my perspective, fart their ideas into my space. I put it that way because it is both humorous and, from where I sit, accurate. Farts often occur without consciousness -- simply happening, kind of like when we know something or think we know something about what is going on and we just blurt it out.

From my perspective, my friend did not have permission to coach me. What that means to me is that before someone offers advice, they would ask if the listener (in this case, me) wants to hear it. There are many reasons for that, including (and not limited to):

the person may not be looking for your opinion or ideas

the person may simply be venting

the person may just be sharing their experience and only want to share without receiving in that moment

the person may be closed, generally speaking

the person may be closed, specifically to the person offering the coaching

the person may simply not want to switch context (ie, sharing/speaking/opening/venting/whatever to listening/receiving)

so the person offering said "advice/coaching" isn't impressing their
values on the other individual. (I take this very seriously, not just with respect to what I say, but also with what is said to me.)

This idea of permission is why I use the phrase, "Can I offer something?" so frequently because I do not want to be coaching someone who is either not prepared for it, not interested in it and/or in some way not open to receiving that which I have to offer.

I understand that in friendships there is a place where we offer ourselves to each other that, in some ways, seems like it should be apart from the idea of asking permission. That may be so for other people and my world generally speaking does not operate that way.

When I'm confused about this sort of thing with other people, I ask the person speaking what they are looking for from me -- to hold space, to offer coaching, to share my own experience, and/or whatever. These days, I'd like to think I don't really offer coaching without permission (though please call me on it if I do) except in the domain of where I am the explicit current "coach" (as in class and as it relates to poi, and at that, only sometimes since I am so sensitive to not wanting to trample on people's own development at their own pace).

Perhaps it is a subtle distinction that I've picked up working with and being friends with coaches in transformational communities for many years on end. What I know is I do not feel honored when someone puts things in my space I'm not interested in having there. For me, it occurs like clutter that I have to move around/through/over/avoid.

20070907: Everybody needs a little Now moment

The night Audree, Sean and I went out to film in July required us to synch up our iPods. We didn't want to drag a boom box around with all the fire gear as well as the camera gear, so instead, we shared the same playlist on our iPods so we could have some shared reality as I was spinning without disrupting the rest of the world.

Of course, then you have to sync up the ipods. Well, we started counting off -- " 3 - 2 - 1 - Now!" and on "Now" everyone would start the track at the beginning.

I'm on Shinkansen train with Sean -- the cool bullet train that runs from Kyoto to Tokyo (same letters, spelled differently. Hmm...) writing the blog entries so I can post them next time I get to an internet connection and I started bouncing around in my seat to one of our favorite tracks, "The Nebbish Route" by Shpongle off Nothing Last... But Nothing is Lost.

Fortunately, Sean had my set list on his iPhone because we filmed yesterday so, well, we got to have a bit of Now together.

20070906: Footage From Arashiyama

Since we didn't head north into the path of the typhoon, we decided we'd go visit Arashiyama, Kyoto again and film some poi dancing. Check out this silk flag poi dancing set by GlitterGirl (and order your own set of flags if you're so inspired!)

20070905: Rest. Recovery. Preparation. Forewarning.

Sean arrived. More sushi. Freshly imported wine with Spencer. Making plans. Oh, and finding out about a Typhoon. A typhoon? What? Didn't I get enough rain on Monday night? (see "warm summer rain" entry)

Hmmm... What to do. The typhoon is heading directly for the area where the festival is. Maybe we should wait a day and go up on Friday instead...

20070905: Perfection

A friend just got back from her 10 day sit and was finding herself in a place of disappointment over how she hasn't been sitting as much and how it was harder than the first. I found myself noticing the perfection of the experience, and sent this her way:

How perfect your experience it. It is the very example of how you can choose equanimity in each moment. It is the perfect example of it all, actually. Relax into it sister. In a sense, you have both already failed and already succeeded. Now that you have done both, you can just sit back and witness the experience... Even now... With ease and gratitude.

Guy said something to me in a session which is perfect: this is the healing — right not. The crying? That was the healing! The struggle? That also is the healing! You returning to the practice is the practice... Is the healing.

Also, I remind you about the through time nature of your reality and life. You are looking for some permanent shift from a single 10 days. And that comes in very small pieces. It is a gradual thing so as long as you focus on the gradual nature of it, you can’t see the bigger picture. Look back 1 year, 2, 5... See how much more rich your life, experience, skills and mastery are. Even now I’m sure you’re offering yourself more grace, more compassion... More acceptance...

:)

20070904: Transformation at Shrines

After escaping the love hotel and accompanying Spencer on his research adventure at the travel agent, we headed toward Kyoto, stopping to watch Transformers in English with Japanese subtitles. It was interesting to see the movie again (the third time, actually) in a foreign country.


There is a line in the movie, which if you've seen a preview you've already seen, about the autobots being really advanced robots -- Japanese models. No laughter in the Japanese theatre. In the US, having seen it twice, I can say there was a lot more laughter -- both in that part of the movie as well as other spots. Alas, not here.


Seating was interesting -- assigned seats and you get to pick them with the counter agent when you buy your ticket. Wow.

After leaving and heading back to Kyoto, Spencer went off to work and I found my way to two shrines. One of them was fairly large where I watched a woman make the rounds to the little stops in the courtyard. I thought it would be interesting to model how she did the ritual, so I did, to a degree. Mom asked me to light incense at a shrine -- partly joking I'm sure -- to
help them sell their house in New York so they can move to their new home. So I did.

Meanwhile, the whole while, I was listening to Seal's song, "Love's Divine" inspiring various thoughts about my own transformation, self perception, molting, emersion... My own divinity.

I replayed the song and danced in the shrine, offering myself to the divine at the temple, realizing that if I'm not here on this planet to dance, I'm not actually sure what I am here for.

I cried, released, expressed, emoted, and in the process, found myself experiencing a wonderful new connection to mySelf. Returning to Spencer's and reconnecting with him later -- how grateful am I he is my teacher as well (a Reverend) -- I noticed how I felt myself coming into balance in the shrine, allowing myself to release the stresses and tensions of months of
pressure, mishap and challenge around PoiGeek and the Temple, around not taking as much care of my body as I will moving forward, about the imbalance of the speed of my mind and slowness of my body... About how inspired I was to get my bicycle fixed now that I live and work in easy biking distance from each other.

Ah, the gift of Being in the Muck of things.

20070904: Locked into the love hotel

As cool as the love hotel is, the most limiting aspect of it is the fact that once you check in, you can't leave the room unless you are checking out. This meant that when Spencer had to get up and go for class, I had to go with him... To late to figure that out, he missed class, we slept in, and then were late getting out of the room.

Of course, the Love Hotel is designed for you to have a "rest" -- a 30 minute use of the space -- or a "stay." We had overstayed our stay, so we had to pay for a rest on top of that. :(

Still worth it though, for 15,600 Yen for the room and only 1,320 more Yen for the rest.

20070904: The Love Shack is a little old place...

In Japan, I've been told the children live with their parents until they marry. This could mean that at 35 you'd still be shacked up with Mom and Pop. Let's say you have a partner and you want some private alone time. What do you do then?

Love Hotels. How cool. They are themed hotels that only allow male/female couples -- not two men, not two women and not you alone. Have a fantasy about Sailor Moon? Hello Kitty? I've heard they have love hotels for just this thing.

In fitting with our theme of wetness for the night (see the entry on "Warm Summer Rain"), we went to the Water Hotel, a really beautiful love hotel in Osaka.

First, we go into the hotel and there is no one there to check us in. You go to a kiosk and select a room, get a receipt and walk to the room. Then you pay - cash -- at the door.


Once inside this lovely place, there was a console with about 20 buttons on it to control various lighting settings, the karaoke machine, television, AC and music. Next to the bed is what can only be considered the Mini-bar of sex toys. Yup, dildos, vibrators, lube and various accoutrements one might use for sexual play. Even free condoms on the nightstand that, in English, said "Family Planning."

Now the theme of our little love shack was water. And we had one of the upper mid-tier priced rooms, so it was pretty nice. Our bathroom? Equipped with a Jacuzzi, steam room, sitting bench and foot bath as well as a massage area and showers.

In the bathroom, a full 6 step set of instructions, lotions, potions and assorted smelly things for a fragrant refreshing bath. After a long day and night and running about, a steam sauna Jacuzzi was in order for me. MMmmmm.

20070904: Clubbing

After braving the rain, we decided to go to a club. We arrived at the Grand Café (?) which is more like a large bar lounge with a small dance area than a club. The 500 Yen cover charge included a drink ticket each, which, really, is quite a deal considering you could easily pay that alone for the drink.

I stuck to water and let Spencer grab my ticket with his while we hung out. Shortly after arriving, a friendly young Asian guy introduced himself to us. He was part of the group of people which comprised about 60% of the people at the club.

Feeling a little cold from the air conditioning on my wet cloths and hearing the music in the other room, I decided I wanted to dance. We headed into the room with the dance floor where I pushed a few of the tables which occupied the dance floor out of my way and I busted out my poi. Other than the security guard, guy behind the food bar and the dj's, we were about the only ones in there.

Squish, squish, squish went my shoes as I slipped on the floor, oggs lit up, and began to shake it to the music. This drew some attention and the group of kids joined us from the lounge on the dance floor.

In no time, I found myself happily dancing with this beautiful asian woman and I realized that dancing knows no language barrier and speaks to people in a universal way that allowed us an hour of dancing filled with lots of smiles and good fun, seemingly for us both.

As we're on the dance floor, suddenly a spray of white stuff comes down -- the illusion of snow I think was the intention. Except, well, I think it was soap. So there I was with socks that were soaked in sneakers that sloshed as I moved dancing on a nice smooth dance floor which was covered in wet soapy water.

Maybe it's their way of keeping the floors cleaner...

September 4: Multiculturalism in the Book store

i have been saying su me ma sen -- or trying to.
it helps.
i had a cool multicultural experience with that.
it means excuse me/pardon me for putting you out -- that sort of thing.
i was in the bookstore yesterday and this girl and i almost bumped into each other.


at the exact same time, she said, "I'm sorry" and i said, "Su me mi sen" -- it was a cool moment

20070903: Warm Summer Rain

Last month when Hunter and I had a gig out in Discovery Bay (see entry for "Fire Dancers Stuck in the fire") and were enjoying the warm summer evening air, we got to talking with Audree (who was our safety for the night) about how our experience on the east coast was so different weather wise. In San Francisco, you rarely experience a warm summer night because the warm air from the Central Valley in the day time sucks the cool air in off the Pacific Ocean, creating the fog which leads to the ever famous expression about "The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco" or something about that.

At the time, I said I missed standing in warm summer rains and enjoying being able to get wet and not be cold and feel refreshed. Well... I feel complete with that at this point!

As Spencer and I darted off to catch the train and try to meet his friend (ag! We were late!) at OCAT in Osaka, it started to drizzel. Riding the bikes down the back streets on the way to the urban parts of Kyoto so we could catch the train to Umeda, I found myself smiling and enjoying the rain as it cooled me off. The night was hot an dmuggy and the rain was welcome,
especially in the breeze of the bike.

Arriving in Osaka, it was still drizzling. No problem... It felt good.

Soon enough, however, we were experiencing a full on rain. I'm not talking about one of those weak-willed-can't-assert itself sort of San Francisco rains. I'm talking the kind of rain that got your shoes so wet your feet were soaked and the shoes made sloshing sounds as you walked. So wet, I thought, "Wow, I'd be concerned this was a hurricane or something if it were even a little windy." So wet, as I walked behind Spencer, I noticed his jeans were wet almost all the way up to his knees.

I've got my fill of warm summer rains, for now. ;)

20070903: Having a (Silver) Ball

OCAT -- Osaka City Air Terminal -- is a Penn Station sort of place. All manner of public transit converge there and
there's shops and places to grab food along the way.

Outside is a pretty awesome and beautiful metal sculpture. It's a few arches, sort of symmetrically laid out that rise over a story high representing the path of a bouncing ball with a silver ball on the ground in between them. The silver ball is probably over 3 feet high.

We were going to meet Emily here but due to my slowness, we were late - sorry Emily!!! :( But, when we got there a group of maybe 25 urban dancers -- break dancing, pop and lock and vogue style -- the sort of thing you might see in "Step Up" or possibly "Rize" -- were hanging out practicing. Wow. What a site.

I saw some amazing artistry there, including one guy who did a 360 turn (in the air) starting from his hands, pushed up into the air (fully leaving the ground) from one hand, turning in the air and landing on the other hand to complete the turn. Think
Mitch Gaylord meeting the best break beat dancer you've seen -- gymnastic dance. AWESOME!

Thanks to Spencer, I found myself super inspired and, after seeing a rather large roach on the ground and thinking, "hmm, wonder how many thousands are under ground..." I got to work and did a dance of my own. Ah, how I love playing with my 2 balls and string. . .

20070903: Arashiyama

One of the reasons Spencer choose to move to Kyoto when he went to Japan was for the way in which that city represents the history of Japan. Another reason is the natural splendor of the area, represented with awes inspiring beauty in Arashiyama. Bike riding for the first time in at least 2 years (I don't seem to do it much except at Burning Man), we trekked out to the little town pretty late in the afternoon, getting there when the shops were closing.

Not to worry, we arrived at the Togetsukyo Bridge and ... Wow. Breathtaking. The beauty of the small waterfall, the serenity, the sense of the amazing ancient feeling of it. The greenery. Set at the base of a large mountain range in a valley, I found myself overjoyed to witness the beauty of it... To the point of tears.

The whole area was amazing, well kept and quite beautiful. Even the train station was done up with an amazing entry way, lovely water tanks and bamboo everywhere. It was a little haven inside, beautiful as it was, and simply a train station!

We walked along the water to discover a festival the night before we'd seen an ad for. Of course, festival maybe is a bit of an overstatement. It seemed a bit more like a ritual of some sort. There were boats on the water with 2 men, a woman and a small group of what appeared to be ducks or geese. The ducks were on some sort of leash in front of the boat and over the ducks were these burning baskets of wood... Embers shooting out toward the ducks.

On the water were 4 boats full of people watching the "event." Later, as the boats with the fire pots pulled away, I saw the ducks sitting on the boat near the woman. Fascinating experience, really.

And one of my favorite things to do this afternoon was shoot a photo of one of Audree's bags made by dutchy with the tag on and everything. This photo of spencer and this beautiful and spacious Rose Clutch combination wallet and clutch -- big enough even to fit my phone as well as money, oversized business cards, pen, id and more receipts than one person should be carrying -- was taken out side the really beautiful train station.

20070903: Sushi

Oh my did we have a good lunch. For less than $20, we ate copious amounts of really good sushi for lunch. This was my first really good meal since I arrived and I was grateful to be enjoying it. Where did the food come from? Yup, the grocery store. Coo, eh?